and rudeness.: The voices in my head.

Welcome
to my blog.

I am a girl named Ryan.

Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it.

If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom.

and about rudeness.

and rudeness
of the week.

fastlane rudeness.

You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days.

and rudeness.

and old rudeness.

and find rudeness.

The voices in my head.

Growing up I didnt give a crap about much of anything. I lived for the moment and was selfish, thinking only of me, me, me and that little circle of friends I surrounded myself with. In fact it wasnt until I was about 23 that I realized, that little circle of friends isnt AS important as I thought. It's all about family. Cause no matter what, they're there when you need them, they never forget your birthday and they'll listen when you just need to talk.

Once I had Bubba I made several more startling realizations about family. I am T E R R I F I E D to lose them. Worrying has overtaken me like kudzu in Georgia.

And it wouldnt be quite so bad but every mother thinks a phone call out of the ordinary means someone kidnapped your child or they died in some frak accident. Right? I am not alone here, I hope!?

When I am at work and I cant get ahold of Mr. Bubba, I lose my mind. I cant think straight. I cant work. All I do is play scenario after scenario in my mind. The gas leaked and they got carbon minoxide poisoning. I left the front door unlocked and a murderer got in. Bubba hung herself in her crib and Mr. Bubba cant stop screaming to call me. One after another until I am on my way to a full blown panic attack, seconds from calling 911 and racing home.

I try so hard to stay calm. But I just cant. My inability to control my imagination is going to make me explode. I have noticed that my thoughts run out of control, even when I am IN total control.

I can be at home sitting on the couch with Bubba and in. my. arms and I worry that a fire will break out. With I fulfill my duty as her mother and get her to safety? Will I hesitate and cost her, her life? When we are going to the store, will I look both ways twice at the intersection and make sure I see that semi going a little too fast?

If I could, I would stay home with Bubba 24/7 and NEVER let her leave my sight. I never ever ever want anything to happen to her. Obviously cause I want her forever, for me. But cause I know that I couldnt... cant live without her. I couldnt live with the thought that I was her protector and couldnt do something as simple as that. Protect her. But I also know that too much protection can hurt her, were do you draw the line?

When do the thoughts go away? I feel like I have turned into a pessimistic person that thinks the world is out to ruin my happiness and hurt my family.

Posted by and rudeness on Friday, December 08, 2006 at 9:58 AM
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I'm sorry hon. That's tough. I'm sure it will get easier as she gets older. I am a stay at home mom and had a difficult time leaving Ryan with a babysitter or with ANYONE until he turned 3. Then I just decided I needed a break! LOL Hang in there. You are totally normal. :) ((Hugs))
Posted by Anonymous	\|	December 11, 2006 1:40 PM