to my blog.
I am a girl named Ryan.
Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it.
If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom.
and about rudeness.
and rudeness
of the week.
fastlane rudeness.
You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days.
and rudeness.
and old rudeness.
and find rudeness.

Check IT out.
I came across a great blog today. And her Things That Are Wrong With the World gave me quite a laugh.

Make sure you check this one out too... Republicans beware.

Thank you Miss Bitch!
Posted by and rudeness at 3:17 PM
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What follows is the kind of high-class material Mandacakes and I come up with (while SOBER, mind you) when we turn anger into uncontrollable laughter. (a.k.a. sick humor)

Things NOT to say while answering the phone:

Do you think it'll fit? . . . Hello?

Ew, I have a hair in my mouth . . . Hello?

Do you charge by the hour? . . . Hello?

Hey, pass me a towel . . . Hello?

THAT'S coming out of the deposit . . . Hello?

I hate it when the dogs watch . . . Hello?

Wow, you must shave! . . . Hello?

Is tipping appropriate? . . . Hello?

Will you make me a sandwich while you're up? . . . Hello?

Honey, I'm allergic to latex . . . Hello?

Wow, you hit the wall! . . . Hello?

Next time, let's tighten the headboard . . . Hello?

I think I chipped a tooth! . . . Hello?

Shit, we forgot to close the curtains . . . Hello?

I know the safety word is "cellphone" but there's actually a call . . . Hello?

I'll have to wear a turtleneck tomorrow . . . Hello?

Man, I think we'll BOTH have to shower now . . . Hello?

I think we'll need to make another beer run . . . Hello?

Would you get OFF me? . . . Hello?

I can't find the lighter . . . Hello?

We used the WHOLE box? . . . Hello?

Do think the candle wax will come out? . . . Hello?

You guys be gentlemen and make up the bed . . . Hello?

Have you seen my bra? . . . Hello?

Which way is up? . . . Hello?

You never took your socks off? . . . Hello?

That's the OUT hole! . . . Hello?

I can't get the phone to my ear with these cuffs on . . . Hello?

Shhh, this could be my Mom . . . Hello?

You left the lens cover ON? . . . Hello?

Now I gotta find my pants . . . Hello?

Next time, brush your teeth . . . Hello?

My jaws will NEVER be the same
. . . Hello?

I haven't had rug burns on my knees since high school . . . Hello?

Tastes like chicken! . . . Hello?

I should've stretched first . . . Hello?

Third time's a charm . . . Hello?

Warn me next time, I gag . . . Hello?

Put the mattress BACK on the bed
. . . Hello?

Look Ma, no hands! . . . Hello?

I didn't know they could pierce that . . . Hello?

Just flush it . . . Hello?

Shit, I rolled into the wet spot . . . Hello?

I'm SOOO blogging this . . . Hello?

Posted by and rudeness at 12:51 AM
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Oh, the troubles we go through.
You know we have enough trouble as it is as women. From periods to boobs and zits to make-up color... we have a lot going on. Our brains never stop turning something over or wondering, What did "they" mean?

It's amazing how a look can spin us out of control or a phrase can stop our hearts in their tracks. Ever heard the saying... "Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these... It might have been."

Breathtaker. (And that's a story for another time.)

Could I go an entire day with being absolutely happy and satisfied?

Today at work a co-worker thought it would be wonderful to get everyone in trouble. (And when I say everyone... I mean me. Just like when I said co-worker I meant bitch.)

I can't tell you how many times I have told someone, If you have a problem with me, come to me. All it takes is a simple conversation of clearing things up.

But as many times as I can say, Come to me, I know when it gets right down to the matter... No one "comes" to anyone when there is a problem.

Why is that? It is no wonder that men think us women are "maddening." We are constantly standing behind our words 100% and then turning around and betraying them. Bad words!


I make a promise today... (And when I say I, I mean you too Girlie.) from here on out that I (And when I say I, I mean we.) will stand up for ourselves and our words and hold strong.
Posted by and rudeness at 6:36 PM
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It's the only one I can remember.
Two peanuts are walking down the street.....

And one was ahh-sssaaalT-ed.

I just can't help myself. I. simply. can't. There is nothing funnier to me on this PLANET.

I can't control it. I can't stop it.

I hope it brings you half the laugh. Maybe an eighth. Cause my insides are screaming at me to "Stop!"
Posted by and rudeness at 10:30 PM
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Would you still work?
I am sure we all have those wonderful daydreams with our spouses, significant others or with ourselves about what it would be like to win the lottery.

I envision great things I would do like pay off all my parents and siblings debts, buy new cars, and build some massive, yet efficient, house that I drew up the blueprints for.

But of all the grand things that I would want to do and all the necessary things like college funds and retirement funds and giving to charity...

I would work at Starbucks.

Starbucks was and continues to be my best job ever. I was only a barista for a year but I had a great time. There is something about being needed so badly by the customer that walks in caffeine deprived to make a girl feel special.

This was a job I didn't mind getting up at 4:45am to be there by 5:15am. And damn, I didn't know there was a 4:45am before this job. But I knew when I walked through those doors I would get. coffee. And tons of it. Hell yeah!

And the training for learning the pastries? Try it. Try them all so you can explain to your customers what scones goes best with their cup of "get me through the day."

There wasn't an air of corporate or big brother. It was the little coffee shop on the corner where people came to relax and share stories. Oh, the stories one will tell over coffee.

So if I won the lottery, hell yeah I would still work. And it would be at Starbucks.
Posted by and rudeness at 1:27 PM
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I am making my daughter OCD.
My little Bubba justed turned two and she could out clean any Merry Maid. Through my... what I like to call... "Attention to Detail" my daughter has picked up some great traits.

However, I know someday she will be sitting in a psychologist office asking why she physical can't leave a crumb under the microwave without cleaning the entire kitchen or walk through a glass door that has a fingerprint on it without getting out the Windex.

So I may be a little over board at times when it comes to cleaning. And I may be a freak about my lawn. And my appearance. And my desk at work. And my car. But I know I am sane because I still have the token junk drawer. Infact I have 3!

So far I have been able to keep my OCDness to a minimium and I know when I am going too far and will back down. But I am seeing it in my daughter so much... and I get the finger point from the hubbie and that all too familiar phrase in the household of a toddler, "She got that from YOU!"

When going for a walk with Bubba, everytime there is a sprig of grass or weed coming from a crack in the sidewalk, she simply HAS to pull it out.

Or if she gets into her baby wipes, she will take them and start. cleaning. the wall, the floor, the mirror, the couch...

Her favorite toy is the SWIFTER.

I mean come on! It is cute though. And for now, if she loves to clean... so be it. Isn't that why people have kids anyway?!


Posted by and rudeness at 2:30 PM
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Holy Invasion
The duplex that we live in is currently up for sale. While I know these kinds of things happen all the time and I may not be the only on the planet going through this... but I feel invaded.

The duplex is actually owned by a family member of mine so for a couple less bucks a month we are helping to "manage it". All good and fine. Until now.

Between the plumbers, electricians and realtors it is no longer my place of residence. However it has become every hanymans garbage dump. I have pipes, screen doors, electrical boxes, poles, sinks and you name it left behind like I am a packrat of odds-n-ends.

We had a Open House today so my husband and I have been slowly picking up and doing that little bit of extra cleaning throughout the week. You know, wiping down the cabinets and FINALLY taking that little vent off the bottom of the refrigerator and attacking it with bleach. Last night ended with a mad dash of cleaning and this morning we were desperatly adding on the final touches of a house that no one could resist to buy.

We pack up our handy-dandy stroller with a mountain of occupying Bubba fun stuff and headed out for a couple hours while everything I own was being eyed and judged. When we had the all clear to come home I was very upset to find out that no. one. came. anyways.

Holy Mother of Christ! (As my husband would say.)

Selling a duplex doesn't happen in one Open House BUT ours has been on the market for over 6 months now. It is a great place, spacious with the best lawn on the block. I don't even think there is anything else to make better!

Pfft... maybe its all the "leftover crap" in the basement and garage. Anyone need some junk?
Posted by and rudeness at 10:35 PM
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Fucking Tetris, yo!
One of the best gifts we received at our baby shower for Bubba (over 2 years ago now) was a Evenflo "travel system" . LOVE. THAT. THING! Even to this day...

I think even when Bubba is old enough and big enough to not need the stroller anymore, I will still take it with me where ever I go. It is the perfect purse, cart and carry all. And it turns. on. a. dime.

While my husband, Bubba and I were taking our walk and having explore time, we decided to stop by the grocery store, maybe even the video store as well. Knowing that we were only going to pick up a "few things", why not just continue on without going back for the gas guzzler.

Well, not only did we have a great walk... I am even more proud of my Evenflo than ever. When we got home I realized that I needed to share this amazing event.

The contains of the SUPER stroller are as follows:

2-12 Packs of Mountain Dew

2-Loafs of Bread

14-6 Oz. Yogurts (of various fruits flavors)

Lunch Meat

8-#3 Jars of Gerber Baby Food

8-Lean Cuisine Frozen Dinners

1 Can-O-Yummy Raviolis

1 Monster Jar of Spaghetti Sauce

7 DVD's (from the video store)

Cell Phone

1/2 Gallon of Tea

Diaper Bag

2 Old Navy XL Fleeces (for the cooler weather)

1 Baby Blanket (just in case)

A 30Lb. Bubba

Her "JUUWCE" Cup

A "Pinart" toy (but plastic for Bubba)

Maybe a bag of M&M's (only for Bubba, of course)

And I bet there are a couple more things in there... I was just impressed. Forget about the "weight limit" for the stroller. She did beautifully, handled perfectly and came through like a CHAMP!

I might have also helped that I have played alot of... well... I have 3 words for you...

Read. the. title.

Posted by and rudeness at 7:08 PM
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He's a keeper.
My mother is a physical therapist, infact so am I.

I may not have a framed degree on my wall, practice physical therapy, or have a graduation tassle... but I was there. I may have also been 2... but I was there.

Physical Therapy, medical terminology and being continually reminded to "BEND AT THE KNEES NOT AT THE BACK" have been so intergrated into who I am, that the little things go right past me.

One afternoon my husband, Bubba and I were "in the neighborhood" and stopped by my Mom's clinic to say hi. We must have been there a good hour, chasing Alexis around and playing ball.

Later that evening after dinner and play time, things were winding down. When suddenly my husband looks to me and asks... very matter of fact...

"Honey, why does your mother have a GIGANTIC ear?"

Ladies and gentlemen... it must have been hours before I could hold myself together without a giggle or snort. I knew immediately what he meant... I just couldn't get to the point were looking at him, wouldn't send me into another 10 rounds of giggling.

My Mother's "GIGANTIC ear" was a model she used to show her patients about balance.

Physical Therapy... the ear... balance... ROUND ONE!

Posted by and rudeness at 7:21 PM
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Happy 2nd Birthday Bubba!
2 years.
24 months.
104 weeks.
730 days.
17,520 hours.
1,051,200 minutes.
63,072,000 seconds.

WOW Bubba, you have been here for 63 million seconds... I can't wait for the next second...

Her birthday was such a success. Plenty of smiles, laughing and tons of playing. I think we finally suceeded in having a holiday were there weren't any "scarey toys" that talked, sang or did flips that made you fall into a fit of terror and screaming.

We hunted all over town for a Blues Clues cake, and for some reason everyone wants SpongeBob and Dora right now... OF COURSE! Don't get me wrong though, it didn't stop Bubba!

No one is looking... GRANDPA! No I didn't get into the cake... What makes you think that?

It's my party... I can put the cake were I want to!

Her favorite toy (thus far) is her Mickey airplane... and GRANDMA! I know how it works! See?!


Posted by and rudeness at 10:59 PM
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Why is the washer & dryer shrinking all your clothes?!
My dear sweet girl, the one who my husband has adorably nicknamed, Bubba, is turning 2... two!... OMG TWO! tomorrow. When did all this growing up happen?

I am never going to blink again. It's overrated. I am going to staple gun my eyes lids open so I cant blink ever. again.

When did we go from this:

To this:

It's just amazing. I hate when parents are right... "Time is going to FLY!" Well, grrrrr to them.

My little Bubba, of course has no idea that tomorrow is her birthday but when she wakes up... she is going to know something is going on!

But after tomorrow. No more growing up Bubba. No more birthdays. 2 is a good age. Let's camp out here.


Posted by and rudeness at 12:55 PM
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I can tell you everything about baking cookies.
Hy husband is a self-taught GENIUS when it comes to computers. The internet. The web. Hosting. Blogging. Web Design. Software. Hardware. Knowing what all those acronyms really stand for. And damn near ANYTHING electronic or technology based. They are best friends. And if they didn't start out as friends, they will be before the night is over.

At work I am no longer known as Ryan the graphic artist... I am known as: "Her husband would know", "Can you ask your husband this?", "How would your husband do this?", "Do you think you could run this past your husband?" Which of course is fine, makes a woman proud to know her husband is so wanted.

However, the problems with all this said proudness fails when it comes time for me to become the RE-interpreter.

When I am asked a simple question like, "How does blanky blanky blank work and could you ask your husband why why blank isn't working at ALL?!" I soak in every word making sure that I have covered all the basics.

"Well, Julie are you sure you have your monitor plugged in? And when I say plugged in I mean from your computer tower to the monitor AND from the monitor to the wall? AND you tried restarting your computer too?"

When I am satisfied that all the information of the problem is adequally burned into my memory I am ready to download this dilemma unto my husband. Excitedly explaining to my husband "The Scoop" he begins on this journey of problemsolving tips, explaining the whys and why nots as well adding in a little history.

Always extremely eager to learn more I am continually in shock as to how much information one man can hold. Remember. And access at the appropriate times. He's like the walking, breathing Wikipedia.

Once I get back to my co-worker, I am like Tim Allen trying to explain a story to his wife that Wilson told him over the fence. It all sounds like blah. And more blah. And something about making sure you don't do this, no wait, don't do this cause... well... it was really cool when he explained it to me.

Given another day or two and I will have re-asked and been re-explained the solution again and again. Eventually I will figure it out for you from yours truly. So we can get onto the next big dilemma.
Posted by and rudeness at 11:16 PM
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I mean, other than Death and Taxes.
There is one thing that has remained constant for me since I first started "to blog"... (Over what - 4 posts and 3 months ago?)... I am constantly thinking about blogging, the more of it I wish I could do and the lack of time that allows me to blog.

Throughout my day I will think many times over things like,
"THAT would be awesome to blog about!",
"THIS would make a GREEAT story to blog!",
"Now THAT'S a blog-worthy topic!"

And the such.

I am sure we have all thought these things countless times. Tonight I have made a "Command Decision" in my life... I WILL BLOG MORE AND CREATE TIME FOR ME!

(I am not selfish... I just want it all.)

So, for my audience of 2...
Thank you for believing in me and knowing that one day....

I would return.
Posted by and rudeness at 8:42 PM
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and Flickr.
and prior rudeness.
and daily rudeness.
and cool rudeness.
My site was nominated for Best Parenting Blog!
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