to my blog.
I am a girl named Ryan.
Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it.
If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom.
and about rudeness.
and rudeness
of the week.
fastlane rudeness.
You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days.
and rudeness.
and old rudeness.
and find rudeness.

Everytime you say "I lub you Momma" my whole body smiles.
I never could have imagined what it would be like to be a Mother until I looked into your eyes. Until you looked at me and needed me... as much as I needed you. Your Daddy and I may have given you life but you gave us one when you were born. When you entered our lives and showed us what true love was. What it could be. Pure. Innocent. Honest. True.

When I look at you, I see my beautiful, little baby girl I gave birth to almost 2½ years ago. What is hard to grasp, is the fact that you arent 7lbs 10oz. anymore. You have grown into an independent, decision making, talkative little girl with a heart of gold and a smile that could light the darkest dark.

You love to learn. Laying out your flashcards in specific patterns with neat rows and columns like you used a ruler and level. You pick them out when I call them to you. Pointing to a card of a net and saying "I catch you" or to the clown and saying "Sil-leee Cown!!" If I ask you one you dont remember, you glance at me and for a moment silently plead with me to make sure you remember next time. You always want to know more.

You know all your shapes, even what a pentagon and an octagon are. You could almost name the 108 crayon colors in a Crayola box. You giggle so sweet when I draw a cat or a dog. And meow and bark. You love more than anything when Daddy and I draw you every. single. SpongeBob character. By the time you are 40 we may have Sandy down. Squirrels are hard enough... but in a spacesuit too?

Your love for all animals brings such joy to my heart. You are so caring towards all life and it is so amazing to see you talk to dogs like you can actually hear what they are saying. I know we will have to get you a dog soon. I bet you'd name your very own doggy Bubba. You know doggy was the first coherent word you ever spoke. It sounded kinda like an engine starting "duggieduggieduggie."
You can find anything to entertain you. That is, that we didnt buy directly for you. You spent HOURS in those crates... you would have slept in there if we had let you. The bag of straws? Once I realized that you LOVED them... I always had a dozen on hand. I probably still have some in the bottom of my purse, just in case.

At 11 months, to the DAY, you took your first steps. I know this because your grandparents wanted to make bets with us about when you would take those steps. I said 10½ to 11 months. Your Grandpa said "The day she turns 11 months." A couple of days after your first steps, we had to take your Grandparents out for margaritas cause they pinned it. To. the. day.

I was always amazed at how quickly you could get around the house. And into everything. You still do this but we have gotten pretty smart over the last 2½ years.

I think your Daddy helped you with the pads. Someday I will show your boyfriend this picture. It'll be at least 40 years from now. I use to cut those in half and use them as breast pads. I probably wont tell your boyfriend that.

Sometimes we would leave something a little too close to the edge of the counter... but in the one second it took for you to get it, get whatever it was, all over you and the next second for us to get the camera... we would let you enjoy your find.

However, that pink shirt you are wearing? You had just gotten from your Great Aunt no less than 30 minutes before. Stinker.

You played with that silver ribbon for months. I am surprised we dont have more pictures of you with it. You would tangle yourself up and look to us for a moment to call out for help but I swear you knew, that if we felt you couldnt handle it, we would have taken it away. You would untangle yourself and start all over again.

In the beginning when you came home, you were very colicky. I thought for sure I had done something wrong. You would cry for hours and hours on end. No matter the walking, the bouncing, the car rides or any of the other 6.3 million remedies, we could not console you.

One afternoon when you cried and cried your Daddy and I set you in your crib and let you cry. It was the first time we didnt hold you while you cried. As I sat in the living room and held that baby monitor in tears myself, I know we did the right thing. Your crying didnt last too long and soon you were fast asleep. When I went to check on you, you had snuck yourself under your bumper pad. Your Daddy and I almost laughed so hard we woke you up.

I hardly remember those colicky times now. They seem so far away. When we finally figured things out and the colic went away, you became the happiest baby on the planet. You've been that way ever since.

My dear sweet Bubba I hope you know that I love you more than anything. That when I look in your crib every morning I can barely get myself to walk away to go to work. I could stare at you for hours. That when you say my name and tell me that you lub me I just melt.

I love you Bubba.


Posted by and rudeness at 10:50 PM
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Tidbits of Me, Tuesday.
As my husband and I approach the 4 year mark in our relationship, I thought it appropriate to write about our rings. Not just our wedding rings but also our promise rings. And really, what girl doesnt love to talk about jewelry!!

Mr. Bubba and I had been together for about a year when we got pregnant with Bubba. We had already decided before that to get married, once we found out about Bubba, we wanted to wait to get married until she was born. We wanted to make sure that we really wanted to be married for us, not just Bubba.

As a Christmas present to each other (we found out we were pregnant December 12th, 2003) we decided to get promise rings... they were really engagement rings. We went to James Avery and picked out these.

I particularly liked this one because it was a HEAVY Lovers Knot. And thats what we were! Heavy in love. (Need a barf bag yet?) I know that many will roll their eyes when I say this... but... I have never really been a diamond kind of gal. Yeah, I know... bullshit right? No, really. My birthstone may be the diamond but I have never been one for the good ole' sparkle and shine rock. I am just too rough on my hands and busy with life to be nice to a diamond. It took a long time to get Mr. Bubba to actually believe me. He kept saying, "You can get a diamond if you want." I guess I made it hard for him to believe me because one of my favorite teases was "You know I am an April baby... I ONLY wear diamonds. Hope you know what you are getting into."

When it was time to get our wedding bands almost two years later we chose to stay with James Avery. Speaking of James Avery, have you heard of it? I was shocked to realize many people here in Wisconsin had never heard of the company. Of course, then I realized that they are based in the south. And being as though I have spent most of my life in the southern part of the country... I just figured everyone knew!! Shame on me! If you havent heard of them, take a look! I just love their jewelry and would definitely recommend them to anyone.

I will admit that some of their stuff is gaudy and some is... well... just plain freaking RIDICULOUS! I mean, COME ON... $75 freaking dollars for a PONYTAIL holder??! Although it does look pretty. I couldnt image wearing it though. I would end up having to shave my head to get it out of my hair. I dont need any 6th grade disasters again.

The wedding bands my husband and I chose were called Song of Solomon rings. The inscription is Hebrew and we fell in love with the saying. My ring would say "My beloved is mine, and I am his" and of course his would say "My beloved is mine, and I am hers." We then themed our wedding, I am my Beloveds, and my Beloved is mine.

We wrote our vows, I made the invitations and we were on our way! As I was looking through my "EVERYTHING WEDDING" folder on my hard drive as I was thinking what to write about today, I found the vows... and thought I would share them. I tell you... it isnt an easy thing to do!

In the presence of God, our family and friends,
I, ____ take you ____, to be my husband/wife,
my co-pilot in life, my one true love,
my best friend, my constant.
I give myself to you,
and promise to encourage and inspire you,
to laugh and cry with you, to speak and listen to you,
for all of eternity.

So now I have a favor to ask! Share with me a picture or link of your ring and tell the story of it with me. You dont necessarily have to be married! Have a favorite ring or one you would love to have? I wanna see it! Cause I might not wear diamonds... but I never said I didnt like to LOOK at them!!


Posted by and rudeness at 12:16 AM
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I gave birth to the epitome of "Silly."
Can I really label her as "lazy?"
It takes a lot of talent to drink that way.

I couldnt do it AND drink... THAT'S mad drinking SKILL!

And this is where is took a running start and JUMPED on me.
Guess that was her way of saying,


Posted by and rudeness at 6:36 PM
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I should have been a dentist cause I am always pulling teeth.
Back in September I was ranting about how annoyed I am with my parents and how they lack in the being grandparents department. We use to live SIX BLOCKS away from them and they never found the time to come see their only grandchild. The VERY reason we packed up in the first place when I was 8 months pregnant and moved across the country. To be near them.

When we moved 30 miles away in October to be closer to my work, it seemed like they took more time from their busy lives to TRAVEL to see us. You heard me. It is apparently easier for them to get in their car and drive all the way up here to see Bubba. Well whatever. My parents made it here almost once a week. Maybe it was because I was making them dinner for all their troubles?

When the Holidays rolled around Mr. Bubba and I were going down to see them quite often. Then my sister came home and we were down even more. It seemed like my parents were back on the We REALLY DO want to be Grandparents wagon. Then my sister left for Austria.

And we havent seen them since. It has been about 3 weeks and I think that I have talked to my mom 3 times. Once to see if my sister made it to Austria. Once to tell her I decided it would be a great idea to pick up a paper route and then yesterday to see if she was still alive. Oh, and to ask if I could borrow Season 3 of 24.

During our conversation I let her know that I was taking next Friday off so Mr. Bubba and I could celebrate our 4 year anniversary of being together. I then proceeded to tell her our plans and if she would be willing to watch Bubba. We would bring her to you and go out there.

Well, we have home work to do (they are both currently getting their Ph.Ds) and your other sister might come to town that weekend. I'll let you know if we can watch Bubba closer to Friday.

Mom, if you cant say yes now then I will have to call a babysitter.


I feel like a part of my dies every time I am "turned down" by my parents. My daughter is the funnest person to be around. Having a bad day? Have Bubba say Awwhhh crwap. Brings a smile to my face every time. Anytime that I say the magical six words "Want to go to the store?" Bubba will start to jump around excitedly and ask "GO SEE GRAMMA GRAMPA?!!" And I fall to a million pieces when I have to tell her, No, just to the store. Grandma and Grandpa are at home.

So I called up our babysitter, Amber, or should I say AmBURGER! Bubba just loves her and being my bosses daughter, the excellent choice for us to have as a babysitter. We've called on her a couple of times now and I so pleased that Bubba has taken to her so well. The first time Amburger came over, she said Bubba didnt even cry or ask for us. You mean not at all? Not once. Damn. Thanks alot kid, 8 hours of labor and you dont even ask for me ONCE when you are left for the first time EVER with a babysitter.

So Mr. Bubba and I are excited about getting out and having a little us time. The last couple of times we went out, we were with my sister and her boyfriend, so we will actually be alone this time. He better watch out! I plan on having at least 3 tickets for PDA before the night is over.
Posted by and rudeness at 5:22 PM
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AND flat-out-downright-nasty-dirty RUDENESS!
I would for sure not be entertaining you with anything new if I asked if you have been over to Dooce's site lately.I know everyone here is guilty of browsing her site. I know and admit that I am a dirty Dooce lover. Have been for awhile. I might have even been known to use the words dooce and orgasm in the same sentence.

Anyways, I have never commented on her site. By the time I get there and its been 3 minutes since she posted, 134 people have already told her everything I was going to say. Plus things I wish that I had been as creative and witty to say. REGARDLESS....

I was there today and excited to see that she was doing her Post from Emails segment. She can turn anything humorous and seems to have an amazing talent to just brush things off. But as I read. And reread. And blinked to make sure I wasnt making things up... I was outraged!! I am continually amazed at the rude, inconsiderate, assholes that make up this crazy place called Earth.

Catherine decided it would be a great idea to throw up her rudeness right into Dooce's inbox. I am amazed that people can come up with such hateful, awful things and spat them at someone they don't even know. Sure we know alot about Dooce. She opens up and lets us in. But that doesnt mean we know EVERYTHING.

Why do people have to so self absorbed? So inconsiderate of other people feelings. It's people like this Catherine that make me sad for my daughter. I may be a little biased but I think my daughter has the kindest heart, the greatest smile and purest intent. And yes, I know with confidence I can say that of my 2 year old. If she accidentally kicks one of her toys? She will pick it up give it a hug and apologize like she has just knocked over the line of dominos I had been setting up for the last 25 years.

I am sad because I know there is going to be a day that she comes home and cries into her pillow because someone made fun of her. Called her a name. Broke her down. I remember the days... I was redheaded, boy-named, brace-faced, four-eyed, big-boobed AND taller than anyone in the 6th grade. Don't forget the bad buzz cut too! My peers where RUTHLESS. And I still suffer from the side effects. to. this. very. day.

No one knows the true torments in your life. No one KNOWS EXACTLY what you have been through or are going through. We as humans try to find understanding and support in our darkest times and from time to time can relate to others. But no one has a right to pass judgment on anyone.

Truth be told. Whats your first thought when I tell you that I am on welfare? Seriously. I am. I have been for almost 3 years now. I receive free health insurance, food stamps and WIC. Just yesterday I had to sit in my new social workers office as she starred down her nose at me while I tried to explain to her everything that lead me to the point I am at now. I had to admit that I couldnt make it on my own. And that I am doing everything I can to make life better. She doesnt know that I silently cry into my pillow at night cause I hate that I had to ask for help in the first place. That my husband and I eat 98 cent frozen dinners everyday for lunch so my daughter can eat healthier and get everything she needs, no matter the cost. That I have had the same wardrobe for 3 years, feeling guilty every time I needed a new pair of socks or underwear cause mine just vanished into thin air. Lets not even go into the fact that I have only 2 bras. One of them being an old nursing bra. Or that I cut my husbands hair to save money.

No, she looks down her nose at me and accusingly questions my every answer. That look in her eyes like, shhhhuuu, thank GOD my children turned out better. Or what the hell were you doing having a child in the first place? In the three years that I have had to ask for state assistance, not ONCE was I treated kindly, asked if I was really, really doing okay or if I just needed someone to talk to. I've just been labeled as a poor excuse of a parent and yet another person sucking money from everyone else's paycheck.

Wow, did I just go off? Eh. I have my moments. I can't believe I just told the world I am on welfare but it all seemed to fit.

Maybe what I am trying to get at... is lets all take a moment to say something nice to someone. Compliment them. Hold a door open. Smile at that person that never does. Clap for yourself. Cap for someone else.

Just dont judge others hastily. Or ever for that matter.

And make sure to think bad thoughts about Catherine.
(I am kidding.)
Posted by and rudeness at 9:47 PM
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Tidbits of me, Tuesday.

No, it's not a tarantula... its my hair. (Of course now that I said that I keep brushing off my shoulder and running my hand through my hair. Icky!) Why I chose to open Tidbits of Tuesday with my hair? Well, as much as I hate to say it... cause it sounds conceited... I think its my best feature. And it IS a BIG part of my life. Maybe... cause my HAIR is so big.

I was born with bright orange hair that has turned into a color that I still cant put a finger on. Copper? Auburn? Rust? It is always hard for me to picture myself as a redhead. I know that redheads arent as "regular" as your blondies or brunettes, and maybe because I dont see too many redheads... I cant get a grasp on actually being one? It's like I forget or something. Then its like, oh yeah, I'm a redhead. You think I'd have it pounded into my head being called a redheaded stepchild, "obviously" hot tempered or Big Red. Pffft, bite me.

When I was younger I can remember going to the grocery store or any store and all of a sudden someone. is. patting. my. head. WTF!? Patting my hair. Usually it was some sweet old lady that was all smiles and giggles as she continued to PAT my hair. I still dont understand this. It STILL happens from time to time now. I mean, I wont lie I like to rub pregnant bellies... OF PEOPLE I KNOW! I've never been one to pat peoples heads. I dont think I am going to start though either. Cause... yeah... its creepy!!

It could also be because I am extremely protective of my hair. When I was eleven... remember that age? Becoming independent. Spending hours with a curling iron and hairspray trying to get your bangs to stand 3 feet STRAIGHT UP. Starting to be conscious of your appearance. Starting to like boys. Worried to DEATH you were going to start your period. Yeah, that fun age. Well apparently my Dad had had enough of it all and took me and my six year old sister to have our heads shaved. That's right you heard me. SHAVED. Well, okay, my hair was about an inch long all over. I consider that shaved.

Talk. about. mortified. I should have known something bad was going to happen... we walked into the BARBER shop and the woman (who didnt speak a LICK of English) spun me AWAY from the mirror and grabbed the clippers and all I could hear was VVVVVVVVUUUMMMM... and then felt air. on. my. head. OMG! This event sticks out in my mind SO MUCH because I remember THAT NIGHT I had my first ever dance. And I was totally smitten with this boy Jeremy Phillips and I thought he kinda liked me too. I couldnt WAIT.

Lets just say that I never made it to that dance. I am surprised I didnt drop out of school and crawl into a hole and die. My Mom tried so hard to get me to go to that dance. She let me wear MAKEUP and her clothes. Makeup people. At eleven. Now you KNOW it was a bad haircut. My Mom even took me out to dinner that night. At my favorite restaurant. And let me order WHATEVER I wanted... because thats what victims get to do.

So I developed quite a fear of haircuts. I literally have had about half a dozen cuts since then. Maybe. When I do get my haircut it is a little off the bottom. And that is it. And quit asking me why I look horrified. Cause I am. And it has nothing to do with you, hairdresser. Geez.

I can also proudly say that I have NEVER dyed my hair either. I mean, I can honestly say that I have never told my mother about the time that Mandacakes and I dyed my hair. My Mom put the fear of God into me about dying my hair from the moment I was born. "People pay hundreds to have your color, you will NEVER dye your hair. Ryan." Point taken?

Nah. See Mandacakes and I have an awful track record of causing mayhem! when we get together. When we were THREE we knocked the Christmas tree over at grandmas. When we were nine we snuck out at 4:30 in the MORNING to ride our bikes to the gas station. Cause we thought that was sooo cool. Not to mention when we went to the gas station... we brought home a cat and hid it in her room for THREE DAYS before being discovered. Well, this is ONE OF THOSE TIMES.

Every normal 16 year old is allowed to dye their hair. Mandacakes did. So she figured I should. Well, of course I was always jealous of everyone that dyed their hair... but when it came right down to it, Mandacakes had to peel me out of the car when we (she!) decided that we were going to the store to buy me some dye. After looking for about 6 hours we settled on a color that I swear was the EXACT SAME color of my hair already. But of course I was convinced it would turn out PLATINUM WHITE. And then fall out. And grow back green with bright orange polka-dots.

So we finally get "The Dye" and go back to her house. No one is home and we knew our parents would be gone for hours and hours. So we go upstairs and start. She is teaching me as we go and if memory serves correct, was dying her hair as well. So the box says to leave it in for 20 minutes then rinse.

Okay, Mandacakes 5 minutes then.

No, Ryan you have to leave this stuff on for 30.

No, Mandacakes it SAYS 20 so I will do it for 5 mintues!!!

Then what's the point RYAN!

And suddenly its been almost 30 minutes and she has won when, we hear... GIRLS! We are home! OMG. Talk about taking a crap in your pants. I am surprised I didnt. I JUMPED into the shower FULLY CLOTHED and washed my hair for an hour. I must have used an ENTIRE bottle of shampoo and conditioner.

My Mom never found out. But if she did. I would totally blame Mandacakes. I mean... to the grave.


Posted by and rudeness at 5:13 PM
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Something new. Something me.
This Tuesday I am going to roll out something new. Nothing too exciting or brilliant. No crazy cool template changes or announcement that all this time I was actually a man. Besides THAT would mess up my tagline for life.

I am a girl. Always been one. And plan on always being one. Thank you very much.

So look for Tidbits of Me, Tuesday coming soon. Like tomorrow. Cause its Tuesday.

Geez. Do I need to tell you again?
Posted by and rudeness at 11:05 PM
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I love it when she rediscovers toys that haven't seen the light of day in weeks; and acts like she has never seen them and can't live without them.
She LOVES her flashcards.
Forget the cool electronic thing they came with.
The cards are all she needs!

And talk about SERIOUS!
She lines them all up and then has us call them out.
So she can stack them in her box...
And start all over again.

She hasn't looked at that helmet in MONTHS.
Now? I have to BEG her to take it off.
Oh, and dont forget MICKEY!

Mickey goes everywhere with her.
Yeah. And try and explain to her its not a "bath-safe toy."

Good thing she has her HELMET on to watch TV.
Cause it could be daaaangerous.
But look at her little feet. All curled up.


Posted by and rudeness at 11:49 PM
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The doctor isnt always right.
Thank you so much for everyones response to this post. I am glad that I am not the only one that has been passed some shady info from my doctor! It IS so frustrating cause what information do you take and what do you leave when your doctor is talking about YOUR child?

The whole BMI thing? Definitely something that I am not going to let bother me. Cause my husband and I are in charge of deciding whether or not my little girl is tipping the scales the wrong way! Bubba has always been right around the 95 percentile on everything from the day she was born... but that doesnt make her overweight. (Check out these charts... look familiar?)

Tell me this girl is overweight.
That's what I thought. Nope.
(But you CAN tell me I am crazy for buying her an ALL WHITE outfit!
It was just soo cute. And it is soo soft!)

And you know, its not the first time I thought my doctor wasnt helpful... I remember when Bubba was about 3 months old and I was calling the doctor, searching the internet and begging anyone who would listen to me, try to help me solve why my daughter was fussy. Everyone just told me "She's colicky, eventually it will go away." I had convinced myself for awhile that maybe it was because I was doing something wrong? That she wanted a DIFFERENT Momma, anyone BUT me. She. cried. non. stop. for. DAYS. on end. Was I holding her wrong? Does she hate the dog? Is she terrified of the color pink? Cause if that's it baby, I'll have to throw away EVERYTHING.

By the time Bubba was 6 months old I was no longer eating anything green, fruits, chocolate, coffee, soda and anything with large amounts nitrates in it. Let me tell ya, I was barely eating anything thinking something bad would pass to my breast milk and upset her. Then my husband and I had an idea, OMG, well my husband is lactose-intolerant... is Bubba?

After a little more searching on the internet... apparently I wasnt typing in the right thing! I found this huge amount of information on the topic. I stopped ALL dairy products immediately and I am not kidding you... within 3 days I. had. the. HAPPIEST. baby. in. the. world.

Was it really THAT freaking easy? It sure was. And why hadnt ANYONE suggested it? Pfft. You lose some, you win some. Other than Bubba getting teeth, I didnt have anymore problems breastfeeding until Bubba was 15 months old.
Posted by and rudeness at 4:10 PM
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One more reason I know I have found the Perfect Man for me.
ME: Hey honey, we still on for tonight.
HUSBAND: Well you know its---
ME: Yeah, its fine.
HUSBAND: When do---
ME: 6 o'clock.
HUSBAND: How do---
ME: We'll take---
ME: Then jump---
ME: Then we'll hit---
ME: So we can go---
HUSBAND: Then we'll---
ME: Yeah. And just take---
HUSBAND: That's what I was thinking.
ME: Ok. See you around 5.
HUSBAND: Love you.
ME: Love you too.

And what did all that mean? Well, when I called my husband to ask him if we were still going shopping and errand running this evening, he was wondering if we SHOULD go because it was snowing. But I thought the roads were fine. If I am home by 5pm... I want to be on the road by 6pm.

Then we mapped out our route. We had to hit Target, Tobacco Outlet and Wal-Mart. Thus, we'll take the interstate to Target, then jump over on Grand Ave to hit Tobacco Outlet, so we can go to Wal-Mart down the road. Afterwards we'll get McDonalds, right there and just take the interstate home.

That was easy huh?


Posted by and rudeness at 7:45 AM
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Could you please pass the salt?
This morning a co-worker and I were talking about all the flippin' sodium that food companies put into their foods. Normally the frozen dinners or shelved food. She is currently trying the NutriSystem diet and has found it to be extremely salty for her taste and loaded with sodium. And why not we figure, when they send you a weeks worth of food and NONE of it goes in the fridge or freezer? Weird. Thats right baby, you stick it right on the shelf. So, if you want to go on the NutiSystem diet, make sure your blood pressure isnt high to start with!

So as our conversation jumped around from sodium, to food, to weight and dieting and I continued to google questions that arose... I thought I would share some stuff! Cause isnt that what this silly internet is for ANYWAY?

Wonder what your Body Mass Index is? Try this site out.

Speaking of BMI... When I took my daughter in for her last check up, they informed me that they would start charting her BMI. I thought that was weird for a toddler but eh, if the doctor says... Well, let me tell you, what the DOCTOR SAID totally pissed me off. He told me that my daughter was overweight. MY little girl that can jump on the couch for 3 days straight, run circles on her trike for hours, snacks on RICE CAKES, eats her fruits and vegetables EVERYDAY... is overweight because some stupid chart is suppose to be the "know all" for the weight of a toddler. For crying out loud she is a TODDLER! Then I had to listen for 20 minutes about the things that I could do to bring her weight down. And you wanna know what I did with that info? I farted on it. My daughter eats a TON healthier than I do and at this age, I am not going to start worrying about her BMI. My God, its no wonder this country has such an issue with self confidence and personal image. Me included.

Here is a weight maintenance counter. Ever wondered how many calories you can consume, sit on the couch... er... infront of the computer blogging... and not gain an ounce? Cause THAT is important to know.

And speaking of importance... After Bubba was born, I used this information combined with breastfeeding "free" calories to lose weight. I lost 35 pounds within nine months. Now mind you there were 2 factors going on. 1: I was already overweight so I could still consume shittons of calories anyways & 2: When Bubba was 7 months old I started working at Target and walked about 10 miles a day. (No lie, we took one of those count-your-distance-things and measured!) The weight maintenance counter said I could eat about 2000 calories a day so I kept a journal and tried to stay around 1400 calories. It really worked out well! It was the first time I felt like I could go on a diet without really trying.

And last but not least. Want to know what calories are in the food you eat? Check this out!

Hope you find some of this stuff interesting. Did you? Cause I didnt mean to go on and on... atleast I am not wearing a wife beater with my chest hair sticking out of everywhere, short shorts and jumping all over the furniture. What a sight THAT would be.
Posted by and rudeness at 8:51 AM
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That's Mrs. President to you!
As I was preparing all the necessary paperwork to attend college, I found myself quite frustrated with the entire process. Subsidized vs. Unsubsidized. Pell grants vs. Scholarships. Campus Bookstore vs. Ordering online. Dorms vs. Housing. Man you name it? It involved thought! and precision! and mountains of paperwork! and some sort of freaking Math test. Don't they KNOW its been for. ever. since I took one of those bitches?!

When they finally let me in and I was half way through my second semester, I was informed that I forgot some f-ing signature somewhere and if I didnt take care of this 3 days ago... I would have to drop. out. of. classes. Are you kidding me? My fingers are STILL in a cast and I am collecting disability since I can no longer drive, shower or brush my teeth because I signed up for this school in the first place!! Sure, it'll be done.

HOURS later as I am finally finished putting some signature where the sun NEVER shined anyway, and I realize something... I am not alone. There are lines everywhere filled with people who are mad! and frustrated! and fed up! at the way things are. They cant take this. I cant take this! This is ridiculous! It's no wonder people drop out of school and give up on their education, they're so tired of the bullshit they lose sight of why they were in school in the first place.

And THAT was the sentence I told the Dean of Students when I walked into his office and demanded some change. Insight. Anything. And his response? Do something Ryan.

Six months later I was voted into office as the Student Government President. Ha. I wish it had been that easy. I could write a novel about those six months... but what I am getting to? For the first time I was finally taken seriously.

I sat in on meetings and committees. I called emergency meetings and started committees. I surrounded myself with the best group of Officers that became friends. We had test markets and petitions. My car was renamed Air Force One. We went to conventions and conferences. We shouted on the rooftops until we were heard. Even when our voices were gone.

We created a place were students could come for answers.

I'll tell you, before meeting my husband and having my daughter, that was a pretty awesome time in my life. I dont want to say all this and look for a compliment and I sure as hell dont remember anything about financial aid... so I cant answer anyones questions. (Kidding!) I am just amazed that once I made a difference. And I didnt take NO for an answer.

I think about the things that bother me now and how I sit back silently and let them. People walk all over me. Whether it be my family or my co-workers, I forget that there was a time that I didnt let that happen. Where did that Ryan go?

Cause I would sure like her back! When was that moment where I turned all that off? When I stopped standing up for myself? When did I lose the confidence I had found?
Posted by and rudeness at 10:11 PM
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Sometimes it really IS the small things.
Back in October I bought the purse of my dreams. And when I say the purse-o-my-dreams... sigh... I. mean. it. I was happy without sex for weeks. Cause I had my purse. My beautiful red purse.

As the honeymoon phase of the purse loving is starting to wear off, ever so slightly, I have found another dream.

And OMG. Talk about WANTING to clean! What the hell? WANTING to clean? I am serious here. I have been deprived of a great vacuum, even a semi-ok-I-can-deal vacuum for. years.

Until now. Watch out dirt. I am armed. And ready.
Posted by and rudeness at 12:00 AM
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100 will get you 5?
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Posted by and rudeness at 11:55 AM
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Apparently, I'll do any. thing. for an extra buck.
I hate that every time I am presented an opportunity to make a little extra cash, I will jump! and do tricks! and wag my tail! Sure I'll take on a route delivering newspapers for $40 a month since one of your carriers quit.

Being as though it is only on Saturdays and the area didnt look too big, why not? The route starts a block over from where I live. I could walk that. AND? I'll get some exercise in, drop lbs left! and right! for sure. $40 a month... THAT'S how much I spend in gas for the ol' beater car anyways.

What. in. the. fucking. hell. was. I. f-ing. thinking?

As I loaded my van with all the newspapers and got out my map, I thought, man this will be a cinch. Home in an hour. Easiest $40 ever.

Was I ever sadly mistaken. I walked and walked and walked. I prayed that no one saw me as I pushed a stroller around the block putting papers in peoples mailboxes. I crept up to each persons mailbox thinking for sure that some woman in pajamas with curlers in her hair and a cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth, would come busting around the side of the house with a broom and beat. me. to. death. First, I was terrified about it and then, I started praying for it.

I dont even know why I thought this woman would appear, broom in hand... maybe for the same reason that the moment before my little Bubba came bursting out into this world, I thought, OMG! I hope she isnt black.

It also didnt help that todays high was 20 and as I walked and walked and the sun went down, the temp plunged to like ZERO. And that the map that was I given, was NOWHERE NEAR scale and that each block stretched farther and farther and farther...

I know there has to be a better way to do this! And as much as I would like to take BACK my generous offer of taking on this gawd. awful. task., I will just plow through and hang on. When summer comes, Bubba can help.

Man, summer is a long, long ways away.

Posted by and rudeness at 5:43 PM
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Loving why you are gone but hating the missing you part!!
When my sister came home from college for the Holidays... she came home for good. Well, kinda. She is like one! credit! from graduating with her BA. In German. And when I say she is KINDA HOME... and has ONE CREDIT left... and is majoring in GERMAN... yeah, that little overachieving sister of mine is finishing her "technical" last semester, abroad in A U S T R I A. And of course, Germany. She left this past week and after having her home for almost a month, Bubba and I are going through some serious withdraw.

However, the very fact she is almost 4,545 miles away is great because I knew I could post this glamor shot of her, safely, without fear of her strangling me. (If I suddenly disappear in July... you'll know she came home. And got revenge.)


Bubba had such a great time while Auntie was home. They. played. hard! My little sis is sooo great with Bubba! It was nice too have someone else for Bubba to play with. Not only for my daughters sake (cause Auntie acts like she is 2) but for my sake as well. I was able to get a little bit of me time in. Amazing!!

Two evenings in December we also had the babysitter over to watch Bubba (that story will come later! Promise!) while we all went to the bar to play pool and darts. There might have been a couple drinks in there. Okay, maybe. a. lot. of. drinks. in. there.

My sister and I have really only seriously bonded this last year anyway, so it was awesome! to go out with her and actually WANT to be seen in public with her! Cause there was a time when I wouldnt have been caught dead... Anyways, we had such a blast... looking forward to her coming home. Again.

Because things like this happen as well when we are all together...

No, your eyes arent deceiving you... that is a DOUBLE Scrabble board. Homemade. There was a little bit of cutting and some rearranging... and viola! We got tired of the game going so quickly that with twice the real estate, we could make the game longer. And funnier. And just plain. awesome. Cause when was the last time you thought a game of Scrabble was awesome?

Speaking of awesome, my sister not only speaks German fluently, taught herself to play guitar, has an incredible voice, was Saladictorian in high school, can cook like nobodys business... she is also the genius that can crochet a mean anything! You name it. That bitch is crafty! While home she outfitted every family member (as well as some of my jealous co-workers) with scarves and matching hats. I have NEVER EVER been able to get Bubba is wear a hat. Let alone a scarf. Auntie shows up? I cant get Bubba to take. the. hat. off. In the picture below, Bubba is actually wearing TWO hats.

I miss you sis but I know you are having an awesome time! Making memories that you will share with us for years. and. years.



Posted by and rudeness at 5:25 PM
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How do you prefer to watch SpongeBob?

We are dog sitting yet again... she is so in love. (And I guarantee you its not the dog.)

Night out on the town... someones ready! and set! to go!

Window shopping at two... what have I created?

When YOU want something Momma, you give Daddy a kiss... work for me?

That's right. It's all purple. Literally, from head to toe.
And yes, that juice cup is ALWAYS with her.


Posted by and rudeness at 11:57 PM
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I know I whine and complain a lot about the cold but what I mean to say is at least there arent any cockroaches.
There was a time when I lived in Texas that I couldnt turn the lights out at night. And I am not talking about having a little night light cause I was scared of the dark. Not a night light that really only made my curtains and dresser cast shades like monsters on the wall. I am not talking about leaving the hallway light on and having the door open just. a. crack. Cause really, that crack of light would just BEAM! right in my eye and bother the hell out of me.

So when I say I couldnt turn the lights out at night. I meant that EVERY. SINGLE. light that had a switch to flip, that belonged to my power bill was ON! and BRIGHT! and making sure that every. single. square. inch. that I rented was lit.

My 9,600 square inches of real estate was the first house I lived in when I moved back to Texas in 1999. It was a cutie little two bedroom, one bath duplex that was part of an old army base and had the lovely little quirk of having the washer and dryer setup in the kitchen. I had recently purchased a new washer and dryer and couldnt wait to get it hooked up and running. And of course this would be the first thing to be set up cause it was new! and fun! The rest would follow in its time. Immediately after the washer and dryer, of course. When you are a recovering army brat that moved a... LOT, you begin a pattern of getting everything set up as soon as possible so that you can feel safe and secure by whats normal... so that your not without "home" as long in between those moments of uprooting and moving.

So as I hook up the washer and dryer, I notice that I cannot get the washers' drain pipe down the pipe in the wall. And what would any girl do? So I start shoving even. harder. until I realize that I'm not getting anywhere. I'll never get anywhere. So whats the next thing a girls to do? I called the plumber to come out IMMEDIATELY! and seriously within 5 minutes he is there and telling me that there are HYPODERMIC NEEDLES shoved into the pipe. WTF!

So I leave to do something while the wall is being ripped open and needles are being pulled from places they had no business being in the first place. I mean really?

Within an hour or so I am back in business but the plumber has politely explained to me that he will have to come back the next day to CLOSE. the. hole. in the wall he made because there wouldnt be enough time today... and spackle... and timeclock... and drywall... and whatEVA.

A couple hours later as night has fallen, I am 98% done unpacking my house and watching TV on the couch. Srckweeek... I mean I only have a couple... Srckweeek... boxes to finish and I can bust through that... srckweeek... in the morning before I go to... srchweeek... OKAY WHAT THE MOTHER EFFING CHRIST IS THAT EFFING NOISE? I get up.
... srckweeek...I investigate... srckweeek... I stand as still as I can and listen... srckweeek...Where is that coming from?...srckweeek...What the hell is it?... srckweeek...As I start to open drawers in the kitchen thinking Do I really have a mouse? I see it.

THERE IS A EFFING COCKROACH IN THE DRAWER. Oh yes! And let me tell you. Not only is this cockroach sitting there, I swear!, propped on its back legs like a MOTHER EFFING squirrel, it is eating. a. stick. of. Big. Red. gum.


Propped up like a SQUIRREL.


and Chewing.

A stick of gum. And I am screaming! And looking! Am I losing it? And screaming! And it is still sitting there!


Propped up like a SQUIRREL.


and Chewing.

The little invader is NOT even phased one. single. bit. And I am onto phase four of OMG there is a cockroach eating a piece of gum! (To recap... 1: Theres a cockroach in the drawer, 2: Theres a MOTHER EFFING cockroach in the drawer!!, 3: HE is sitting back with a stick of... wha?, 4: A STICK OF GUM! OMG! WTF! IT IS EATING A STICK OF GUM!) Now that we got the phases down...

What in the world is a COCKROACH doing NOT ONLY in MY drawer... WHAT THE WOOOORLD!!! is it doing EATING A PIECE OF GUM. I'm surprised I didnt faint. Especially from all the screaming! I think a part of me just knew I was seeing things and I was making sure I truly was seeing them.

Then there is a flash to my right. Another invader runs towards the refrigerator. OMG! And then I look on the counter. This entire time I have been screaming and making my eyes so wide they should have fallen out, there is yet ANOTHER invader sitting on the counter. I should have asked him if he wanted me to pop him some mother effing popcorn as his entertainment of a lifetime unfolded in front of him. I think that little invader was the others look out.

Cause when I grabbed the butcher knife and WHACKED him in half... I swear he was in the middle of saying, "RUN! Get the gum. Share the Red and remember my name!"

I spent the first night in my first home with a butcher knife in one hand and a fly swatter in the other, backed into the corner, crazed, dazed and ready. to. kill. I got a dozen of those dirty, filthy, Big Red chewing invaders that night.

And many sleepless nights followed with lights a bright throughout my little duplex as I debugged, bombed and filled every hole, nook and cranny I could find with spray foam and cockroach KILLER.

Welcome to Texas... and dont EVER let the plumber come back the next day to close the huge, gapping hole in the wall.

Cause I tell yeah...


Posted by and rudeness at 10:14 PM
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A brand new baby is a beautiful thing...
...but a new Momma is a confused, sleep deprived, lonely, worn out, stressed, shower less, anxious, standing on nerves woman who only wants to cry! and scream! and wonders why she is the ONLY! ONE! on the planet that is going through this!!

And why that little baby is always a perfect Angel for Daddy and the grandparents.

Please jump over and let Girl Under Glass know that she is not alone and it does get better! And if you have any tips that worked for you and your bundle of joy... let her have it!
Posted by and rudeness at 10:41 PM
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When the time is right...
The other day I posted this dramatic, frantic, scared ranting of a girl who was losing control of herself... and while I wont apologize for my true feelings... I DO apologize for leaving no explanation.

I dont believe that I or my family are in any immediate danger and I truly hope I am just being overprotective, scared and paranoid for nothing. Well, almost nothing.

To tell you the truth will take forever. It will come in many parts. But I think that it is time for me to get out some many things that I have suppressed for way too long. It is damn near therapeutic just to say that.

Bear with me... in my time... I will open up... and the greatest thing is... I know you will listen and care.

Thank you.
Posted by and rudeness at 10:31 PM
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There once was a girl, that had a curl...
... and her Mommy cut it off.
It was about time for little Bubba to get a haircut... I have been arguing against it for months... then when I suggested it, it was my HUSBAND that said no. So I thought the best solution, when I could no longer see my baby's beautiful blue eyes, was to take the matter into my own hands. With a pair of scissors.

So now she can see again and I dont think I did half bad. So, I think I'll add "Pediatric Hairdresser" on my resume. Next to "Master at removing gummies from any surface", "Gives 15 second diaper changes in the backseat of a car" and "Functions on 4 hours of sleep."


Posted by and rudeness at 7:43 PM
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Oh. My. God.
There have been moments in my life where I have lost control. And I mean total control. My first time to "lose it" was when I was 12 and I said the "F word" over and over again with hate and rage at my father when he attacked me. If a word could have killed, fuck would have grown wings, horns and claws, jumped from my mouth and chased him out of the country.

The second time was when I was 17 and I couldnt take the yelling and screaming and emotional abuse any longer... and I got out my all my nasty words, hateful phrases, screamed I would move out and never look back... I think my head was spinning and my hair turned to serpents... and I left. Because I was scared. Shitless. Of myself.

Since then, there really hasnt been a time that I lost myself. That I stood across the room from myself, removed from the demon I had become at that moment, and wondered if I would ever return to normal. The feeling of absolute loss of control. I have done my best to control that demon. Almost seeing it disappear. Now that doesnt mean that there hasnt been times that I wasnt on the brink of losing it... feeling as the floor was slipping from beneath me and THAT demon would return and throw me aside...

I have been through a decade of roller coaster highs and lows since then that have taken me beyond happiness as well as beyond sadness. In the end, I feel like I have done pretty well, my spirit is still together. It may also be all the duct tape and super glue. But together. And my demon in his cage.

But yet... If there was one thing that could destroy it all... One fear that could make me lose my mind... One person that could ruin it... One person that could make me fall apart...

I encountered him THIS week. And all I want to do is run...
Posted by and rudeness at 11:45 AM
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Resolutions... Smezzalutions.
A couple of years ago I decided that I wasnt going to make New Years resolutions I couldnt keep. Thus, ending resolution making for me. Cause that 20 pounds from 2002... oh its still there. With 10 other friends. And the whole being on time thing back in 2003? Whatever... on time is 30 minutes late. I can accept that. My family has.

This year as I thought about the resolutions I would make... if I was making them... and the ways I would never hold up to any of my own expectations... I thought of one that I think I could actually give a try to. I would like to be more optimistic. Quit rolling your eyes! I am serious here! I think that it is time to throw Murphy out. That. rat. bastard.

So what I am saying here? In 2007 I will look on the brighter side of life and anticipate the good. I can still see you rolling your eyes.

Shit, am I being pessimistic already?!

Happy 2007 everyone!
Posted by and rudeness at 3:30 PM
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and Flickr.
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and cool rudeness.
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