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I know I whine and complain a lot about the cold but what I mean to say is at least there arent any cockroaches.
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
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There was a time when I lived in Texas that I couldnt turn the lights out at night. And I am not talking about having a little night light cause I was scared of the dark. Not a night light that really only made my curtains and dresser cast shades like monsters on the wall. I am not talking about leaving the hallway light on and having the door open just. a. crack. Cause really, that crack of light would just BEAM! right in my eye and bother the hell out of me.
So when I say I couldnt turn the lights out at night. I meant that EVERY. SINGLE. light that had a switch to flip, that belonged to my power bill was ON! and BRIGHT! and making sure that every. single. square. inch. that I rented was lit.
My 9,600 square inches of real estate was the first house I lived in when I moved back to Texas in 1999. It was a cutie little two bedroom, one bath duplex that was part of an old army base and had the lovely little quirk of having the washer and dryer setup in the kitchen. I had recently purchased a new washer and dryer and couldnt wait to get it hooked up and running. And of course this would be the first thing to be set up cause it was new! and fun! The rest would follow in its time. Immediately after the washer and dryer, of course. When you are a recovering army brat that moved a... LOT, you begin a pattern of getting everything set up as soon as possible so that you can feel safe and secure by whats normal... so that your not without "home" as long in between those moments of uprooting and moving.
So as I hook up the washer and dryer, I notice that I cannot get the washers' drain pipe down the pipe in the wall. And what would any girl do? So I start shoving even. harder. until I realize that I'm not getting anywhere. I'll never get anywhere. So whats the next thing a girls to do? I called the plumber to come out IMMEDIATELY! and seriously within 5 minutes he is there and telling me that there are HYPODERMIC NEEDLES shoved into the pipe. WTF!
So I leave to do something while the wall is being ripped open and needles are being pulled from places they had no business being in the first place. I mean really?
Within an hour or so I am back in business but the plumber has politely explained to me that he will have to come back the next day to CLOSE. the. hole. in the wall he made because there wouldnt be enough time today... and spackle... and timeclock... and drywall... and whatEVA.
A couple hours later as night has fallen, I am 98% done unpacking my house and watching TV on the couch. Srckweeek... I mean I only have a couple... Srckweeek... boxes to finish and I can bust through that... srckweeek... in the morning before I go to... srchweeek... OKAY WHAT THE MOTHER EFFING CHRIST IS THAT EFFING NOISE? I get up.... srckweeek...I investigate... srckweeek... I stand as still as I can and listen... srckweeek...Where is that coming from?...srckweeek...What the hell is it?... srckweeek...As I start to open drawers in the kitchen thinking Do I really have a mouse? I see it.
THERE IS A EFFING COCKROACH IN THE DRAWER. Oh yes! And let me tell you. Not only is this cockroach sitting there, I swear!, propped on its back legs like a MOTHER EFFING squirrel, it is eating. a. stick. of. Big. Red. gum.
Chomping.
Propped up like a SQUIRREL.
Loving.
and Chewing.
A stick of gum. And I am screaming! And looking! Am I losing it? And screaming! And it is still sitting there!
Chomping.
Propped up like a SQUIRREL.
Loving.
and Chewing.
The little invader is NOT even phased one. single. bit. And I am onto phase four of OMG there is a cockroach eating a piece of gum! (To recap... 1: Theres a cockroach in the drawer, 2: Theres a MOTHER EFFING cockroach in the drawer!!, 3: HE is sitting back with a stick of... wha?, 4: A STICK OF GUM! OMG! WTF! IT IS EATING A STICK OF GUM!) Now that we got the phases down...
What in the world is a COCKROACH doing NOT ONLY in MY drawer... WHAT THE WOOOORLD!!! is it doing EATING A PIECE OF GUM. I'm surprised I didnt faint. Especially from all the screaming! I think a part of me just knew I was seeing things and I was making sure I truly was seeing them.
Then there is a flash to my right. Another invader runs towards the refrigerator. OMG! And then I look on the counter. This entire time I have been screaming and making my eyes so wide they should have fallen out, there is yet ANOTHER invader sitting on the counter. I should have asked him if he wanted me to pop him some mother effing popcorn as his entertainment of a lifetime unfolded in front of him. I think that little invader was the others look out.
Cause when I grabbed the butcher knife and WHACKED him in half... I swear he was in the middle of saying, "RUN! Get the gum. Share the Red and remember my name!"
I spent the first night in my first home with a butcher knife in one hand and a fly swatter in the other, backed into the corner, crazed, dazed and ready. to. kill. I got a dozen of those dirty, filthy, Big Red chewing invaders that night.
And many sleepless nights followed with lights a bright throughout my little duplex as I debugged, bombed and filled every hole, nook and cranny I could find with spray foam and cockroach KILLER.
Welcome to Texas... and dont EVER let the plumber come back the next day to close the huge, gapping hole in the wall.
Cause I tell yeah...
Labels: Flashes into the past
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| Posted by
and rudeness
at
10:14 PM
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