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I'm just selfish. I cant help it.
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Saturday, March 31, 2007
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It is hard to believe that only one week ago today I was in the hospital thinking I was going to die. Maybe not QUITE die. Well I thought I was but I had a lot of encouragement saying I wouldnt. But I thought I would be going into surgery where to fix things, they were going to have to go through my FACE! after shaving my head. That sounds close to death.
And the reason THOSE things scared the living shit out of me? Well, besides the whole surgery thing, possibly losing my right eye, being shaved, having surgery, them cutting into my FACE! because they were doing surgery!, having a stroke and other uncertainties like... what will life be like now? and will I EVER be able to go home and see my husband and daughter again... the thing that freaks me out the most... is that I am just not ready to..."go."
I mean really, who is ever "ready to go"...
As I sat in the hospital and thought through all of these things, I just couldnt get my mind to wrap around any of it. I couldnt FINISH through with the thought of what would happen if I wasnt here. And for now I dont think I am going to try and wrap my mind around that. I am just saying. I mean shit. There is so much that has to be done and so much I want to do in life.
There are the things that go without saying. I want to spend every possible second with my daughter. Teach her. Nurture her. And hold her hand as much as I can throughout life without holding on too hard. She has to learn. She has to grow. And some of it she has to do on her own. But I always want to be there. Always ready. When she needs me. Waiting. To listen to her in her time of need. To understand. To trust her. And to know that she will overcome any obstacle.
I feel like my husband and I have JUST begun our lives together. I want to be that couple that you see walking through the mall at the age of 85. Still hand in hand. Walking in step, slow as it may be, with each other, with that look of satisfaction on their faces. That life was good. And their was nothing they regretted. And that there is no one else in the world they would rather have by their side. Than one another.
I am just not ready. There is much that hasnt happened yet. That I can and cant imagine. I want to be here for all of it.
And I dont want to become negative. I am already scared shitless. But I dont want to live every moment thinking it is my last. Every time I feel a pain in my head or get a migraine I am terrified that I am going to have a stroke. Or my aneurysm is going to burst. (I think that IS called a stoke.) Anyways... I wish I could get past this stage. I know with time and constant monitoring and watching my head with no changes I will start to let those thoughts fall away. But it is such a hard thing to do.
I mean if you had just found out that you had an extra set of arms? Wouldnt you think about those bitches ALL THE TIME? And wonder about them. But if the doctor told you at any minute they MIGHT fall off? Wouldnt you use them AS MUCH as possible. And play with them. And freak out the neighbors?
Okay... this is a WAAAY bad analogy. But you get what I am saying? Right?!
Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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6:30 PM
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DOUBLE Dammit.
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Friday, March 30, 2007
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Damn. Karma is a mofo. Here I click on over to see what is happening in "Whit's Crazy World" and when I see that she has been tagged for a meme, I silently evil chuckle to myself and think "I am SO glad I have never been tagged to do one of those."
But, for the love of everything Whitney, she got me. Tagged me. I have been Found. Caught. Tortured.
So, here is my first eva' meme...
5 Things I have never revealed on this site:
1. I have a horrible obsession with my fingernails. I trim! and clip! and trim! and clip! them all the time. I have about 6 dozen clippers strategically placed and well hidden all over the house. Just. in. case. I need to do an emergency clip! and trim! job. I just want them to be PERFECT. All the time.
2. I am a tube sock lover. I LOAAATHE those little short ankle socks. Why? I dont have a clue. Most people wear them very well. I just dont. Cant. The more sock.... the closer to the KNEE... the safer I feel.
3. My favorite movie of ALL TIME is Aladdin. I know every word. Every song. I might have even dressed as Aladdin one year for Halloween. (Okay and my Mom may have sooo made my costume too. It was damn cute.)
4. I am a Trekkie. To. the. core. Next Generation all the way baby! Oh, the amount of blackmail material Mandacakes and I have on each other over THIS topic.
5. I dont trust dryer sheets. No. I DO trust dryer sheets. I dont trust JUST ONE to do the job. I always throw in like 2. Okay, maybe more like 3 or 4. I feel as a group they will do a better job together.
I tag the beautiful. The amazing. Mrs. Mandacakes!!
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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9:59 AM
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Just leave it to me to be the adult here.
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Thursday, March 29, 2007
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Some people find grenades in their potatoes... ME? I find dirty, dirty, naughty thoughts and unacceptable childish behavior.
Cause this is the biggest pair of balls I have ever seen. (Whatcha think Mandacakes? Are these close?)
Or they could be an anatomically correct sculpture of my boobs. Or whatever....
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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3:36 PM
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If she is already doing this at 2... What in the world is 16 going to be like?
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
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Last night Bubba and I went to see my parents and just spent some time with them... you know, when I wasnt about to die. Makes the time together a little more enjoyable!
Well Mom wanted to go the to mall and get an outfit for her plane ride to Austria. That's right. My parents are going overseas to visit my sister in Austria for 2 weeks. Talk about JEALOUS!
So we go to the mall and are in a clothing store. Mom is looking through the racks and I am chasing Bubba all over the store. In the second my Mom asked me what I thought about a shirt Bubba ran out of the store. I was quickly looking around for her when a lady walks into the front of the store and loudly asks if anyone has a little boy or girl?
Well, goddamnit, I put her in a PINK dress with tights and little PINK shoes and you cant tell if SHE is a girl... I dont know WHAT ELSE I COULD POSSIBLY DO!!
So I run out of the store to see that my little girl has found herself a boy. She. is. two. years. old. Runs away from her Mommy. Cause she found a boy.
Good heavens. Last time I put my little girl in a dress and tights.
So much for keeping my blood pressure down.
Labels: My little Bubba
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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3:25 PM
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Tattooed, Pierced and Mohawked.
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Monday, March 26, 2007
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Yes, I am alive. Never been so incredibly thankful to BE... so very alive. Thank you to everyone who continued to send me well wishes and emails of encouragement. I love you all and hope to NEVER have to fall off the face of the earth again.
Last time I posted I was talking about snowstorms and our household of sickness. Somewhere in there (2 weeks ago now) I have a "saved as a draft" post with quotes like "What a wild week. Its been one thing after another. After another. After another" and "Tuesday rolled around and even though we were getting an unexpected 7 inches of snow, I managed to drag myself to the emergency walk-in clinic. Bronchitis. Just great."
Well, that week turned into another awful week. That turned into ANOTHER even MORE AWFULLER WEEK.
Which brings me to today. Another week. That I pray... calms down.
I could write an incredibly long story about "The Month of March for Ryan and what her Poor Unsuspecting Family could NEVER have Imagined" but I think to the best way to summarize things... is to just give you a list. Or atleast start out with one.
1. Everyone in our house got the flu.
2. The head gasket on my van EXPLODED.
3. My husband and I had matching sinus infections.
4. Mine turned into bronchitis.
5. I broke my glasses. in. half.
6. The back up contacts I had, were the wrong prescription for the 5 days before I got my glasses replaced.
7. For my husbands birthday dinner, I told him to pick anywhere. We went to this cutie little Italian place with my parents and were treated to dinner on them. How sweet huh?
8. The service was awful, the food was all wrong and within 2 hours I was completely broken out in HIVES... Then spent the night in the emergency room.
9. I used a lot of personal days at work.
10. I got to know EVERYONE personally in the ER.
11. The hives returned TENFOLD and I got tons of steroids and drugs.
12. Managed to get a little better... cause apparently STEROIDS make your BRONCHITIS better... and kept my scheduled flight/vacation to Dallas, Texas to see my cousin and friends.
13. Had an absolutely wonderful time in Dallas and hope to expand on the good parts for you later.
14. Started to get a headache.
15. That turned into a migraine.
16. That turned into ANOTHER ER visit.
17. That resulted in Cat Scan.
18. That turned into an emergency you-have-to-come-in-NOW! cause-we-FOUND-SOMETHING MRI.
19. That turned into the worst nightmare of my life.
Which from here my list turns into an experience I would never wish on my worst enemy. I never thought in a million years that I would have one last chance to run home before being rushed to a hospital in a neighboring city and only seconds to look my husband in the eye and tell him that no matter what happened to me, that he promised me, to love our little Bubba with all his heart and make sure her momma knew that she loved her forever. I had seconds to hug her and kiss her and had to actually let go, set her down, walk out the door, with that being maybe the last time I would ever hold her again because I. might. not. come. back.
My parents dropped everything to be by my side every step of the way. They went into action mode and never for a second let me believe anything but a miracle was going to happen. I talked to family and friends all over the globe that I never thought I would get a chance to talk to again.
My MRI "found" an aneurysm on my carotid artery. I spent the night in the ER under bed rest with that discovery playing over and over again in my mind. In the morning they took me by ambulance to another hospital in Madison to be seen by the best neurosurgeons and neurologists this country has to offer.
After going through several tests the next step was a cerebral angiogram to determine what was EXACTLY going on. Had I had a stroke? Was there bleeding? What did this aneurysm look like so they could operate on it. If they had to. When they had to.
(When I had the angiogram they actually gave my va-jayjay a shave. And I thought they just straight up shave it. No. They took the sides. And gave me a MOWHAWK. Nice huh? Then pierced me in the leg... did their thing and then tattooed my foot in PERMANENT black marker to map my arteries. So my Mom made the comment when she was talking to my husband when I got out of surgery, "You know, turn your back and Ryan goes off to the big city to be tattooed, pierced and mohawked.")
Its amazing the roller coaster of emotions that I went through as these events unfolded. I figured I would be fine. BUT I've been to THREE hospitals in less than 24 hours. I'll be fine. BUT they drove me by freaking AMBULANCE cause it was that urgent. No problem... I'll be home in a couple days. BUT I am setting up a Medical Power of Attorney and saying things like, "Man I dont even have a will."
When the cerebral angiogram was complete and the neurologists and neurosurgeons sat down with me... an entirely different but still scary as hell story unfolded.
I am unique. So unique that my head is now in a very small percentile of cases even reported. The arteries in my head arent straight and beautiful like most. They are twisted and ballooned and snake all over the place. I have a couple "extras" in there. Some that go no nowhere. Some that dont exist. And others that are taking up the slack for the missing.
The aneurysm on my carotid artery isnt as big as they first thought but still a spot that needs to be watched carefully. I have another spot to be watched in the back of my head somewhere.
What the hell does all that really mean? Well, I am still trying to figure it out. I am alive.
I will be thankful for every breathe that I take and every kiss, hug and silly moment with my little Bubba. I'll say I love you one MORE time when I hang up the phone with my parents and friends. I will stop and smell the flowers. I will tell my husband again that he is the best father. The best husband. And the most amazing man I could have ever hoped for. I will make sure my sister knows how much I love to tease her about her BIG HAIRY BROWN CIRCLE.
No one had to cut my head open. For now. I will continue to go to Madison and have tests done. I'll be monitored for life. And I'll pray that nothing changes. Nothing gets bigger. And everything stays calm. Including me. Cause it is all about keeping my blood pressure down and stress eliminated.
Easier said than done in my world. But now I am working on it in a big way. Cause now the phrase Its a matter of life and death takes on a WHOLE new meaning.Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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10:43 AM
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I am surprised I can even sit here.
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Sunday, March 04, 2007
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Well, our house was finally hit with the "sickness" felt around the world. Wanting to just die seems like heaven. There is nothing that breaks my heart more than waking at 6am to my daughter saying, "PAH-LEAASSSEE Bubba juice. PAH-LEEEASSSE Momma juice!"
Her poor little throat. All of us have poor little throats this weekend.
I slept about 20 hours from Saturday night through most of Sunday. I can barely go to the bathroom without breaking a sweat. Somehow I managed to start a load of laundry... Who knows when it will get finished.
Hope all is well elsewhere.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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9:25 PM
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I'm starting to think the world is ending.
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Thursday, March 01, 2007
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 Well that would be what it looks like outside at this very moment. I cannot even begin to explain to you the state of terrified excitement I am in right now. At 4:00 o'clock today my boss told us all to go home. At 4:04pm it started snowing and as of 5:34pm... SIX INCHES have fallen already.
 A total snowfall of 10-14 inches... heavy snow... 1 to 2 inches an hour... snow through Friday... snow... sleet... ice... strong winds...Travel difficult to impossible... very difficult to shovel...
Very difficult to shovel. Good thing I am married. :)
This storm has been brewing for a couple of days and I am very positive I am not alone in this storm. It is massive and has caused havoc and disaster all over the United States. As I was tracking this storm when I came home... I saw that 14 people died in Alabama and Missouri as tornadoes touched down today. My heart goes out to those families.
This picture was taken about 20 minutes into the storm and you can already see the snow piling up. The winds are howling. The temperatures are falling. (Well I know you cant SEE the winds howling and the temperatures... I was just describing the scene. Smartasses.)
On Tuesday afternoon as this storm was taking shape I told my husband that I would not be doing my Thursday night shopping spree for groceries and supplies. So that evening I went and got a couple of things that I knew we would need through the weekend... cause with the storm... I knew there would be no getting out.
When I was at the store I noticed that all the gallons of water were empty from the shelves. There was barely any milk or bread. That made me panic. Cause when Wisconsinites start to panic about a snowstorm. I PANIC BIG TIME. Cause every storm until now has just been good ole Wisconsin weather.
Not this one.
Anyone else in this mess?
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| Posted by
and rudeness
at
5:29 PM
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