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I'm just selfish. I cant help it.
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It is hard to believe that only one week ago today I was in the hospital thinking I was going to die. Maybe not QUITE die. Well I thought I was but I had a lot of encouragement saying I wouldnt. But I thought I would be going into surgery where to fix things, they were going to have to go through my FACE! after shaving my head. That sounds close to death.
And the reason THOSE things scared the living shit out of me? Well, besides the whole surgery thing, possibly losing my right eye, being shaved, having surgery, them cutting into my FACE! because they were doing surgery!, having a stroke and other uncertainties like... what will life be like now? and will I EVER be able to go home and see my husband and daughter again... the thing that freaks me out the most... is that I am just not ready to..."go."
I mean really, who is ever "ready to go"...
As I sat in the hospital and thought through all of these things, I just couldnt get my mind to wrap around any of it. I couldnt FINISH through with the thought of what would happen if I wasnt here. And for now I dont think I am going to try and wrap my mind around that. I am just saying. I mean shit. There is so much that has to be done and so much I want to do in life.
There are the things that go without saying. I want to spend every possible second with my daughter. Teach her. Nurture her. And hold her hand as much as I can throughout life without holding on too hard. She has to learn. She has to grow. And some of it she has to do on her own. But I always want to be there. Always ready. When she needs me. Waiting. To listen to her in her time of need. To understand. To trust her. And to know that she will overcome any obstacle.
I feel like my husband and I have JUST begun our lives together. I want to be that couple that you see walking through the mall at the age of 85. Still hand in hand. Walking in step, slow as it may be, with each other, with that look of satisfaction on their faces. That life was good. And their was nothing they regretted. And that there is no one else in the world they would rather have by their side. Than one another.
I am just not ready. There is much that hasnt happened yet. That I can and cant imagine. I want to be here for all of it.
And I dont want to become negative. I am already scared shitless. But I dont want to live every moment thinking it is my last. Every time I feel a pain in my head or get a migraine I am terrified that I am going to have a stroke. Or my aneurysm is going to burst. (I think that IS called a stoke.) Anyways... I wish I could get past this stage. I know with time and constant monitoring and watching my head with no changes I will start to let those thoughts fall away. But it is such a hard thing to do.
I mean if you had just found out that you had an extra set of arms? Wouldnt you think about those bitches ALL THE TIME? And wonder about them. But if the doctor told you at any minute they MIGHT fall off? Wouldnt you use them AS MUCH as possible. And play with them. And freak out the neighbors?
Okay... this is a WAAAY bad analogy. But you get what I am saying? Right?!
Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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Saturday, March 31, 2007
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6:30 PM
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Something tells me that you will be a 99 year old grandma running around in her tube socks demanding your great great granddaughter to put another dryer sheet in the laundry. ;)
Be selfish my dear...drink life up and ask for another round!
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| Posted by
^starshine
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March 31, 2007 9:29 PM
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| I understand. Hang in there hon.
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| Posted by
Brenda
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April 01, 2007 4:10 PM
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Thinking about death even in a general sense is pretty scary; I can't imagine what must have been going through your head lately. I have kind of a morbid side sometimes, but I CAN'T let myself think about death because it's just too much to take. There is so much to do in this life! But really -- anybody, any day, could get into a car accident, a plane crash, whatever. I know it's not that comforting to put it that way, but still, even with this new fear, you're still in the same boat as the rest of us -- you're mortal. I feel like the best way to deal with that reality is to live your life the best you can, love as much as possible, and that way when it's over you might not feel like you've wasted your time. That's what I try to do, anyway. It's still not fun to think about.
God, I'm long winded. Sorry. :) By the way, I would totally love an extra pair of arms. What mother couldn't use that!
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| Posted by
Heidi
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April 06, 2007 9:42 AM
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