to my blog.
I am a girl named Ryan.
Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it.
If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom.
and about rudeness.
and rudeness
of the week.
fastlane rudeness.
You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days.
and rudeness.
and old rudeness.
and find rudeness.

Why change is NOT always a good thing.
So I was just ranting the other day about the new IE7 rudeness and how much it pissed me off. And then what did I go and do?

I freaking downloaded the new Blogger. WTF was I thinking?

It has only been one frustration after another. Not too much really changed behind the scenes but I have the hardest time logging in. My process takes me through 4 windows... usually I make it through 2 before I get totally frustrated enough to delete my blog and give up on my only escape. Nah... but I am mad. Now I want to go back to the old Blogger. And I cant. Damnit.

See, this is why I never, ever stray from the "norm." It always ends badly. When I go out to eat, whether it be Applebees to McDonalds, I never stray from my usual.

When I do? Yeah, I'll try those new chicken sticks at Burger King instead of my Whopper Jr only lettuce, tomato, onion and mayo. End result: NASTY!

And I am talking EVERYTHING is like that for me.

Try a new kind of glasses, plastic frames instead of wire... hate them. Try a new kind of hairspray, Suave instead of ThermaSilk... I swear that shit smells like mayo. Get a different kind of trashbag cause they were out of my kind... the thing ripped open. all. over. the. kitchen. You see where I am going here?

Dont change anything and everything will be okay.


Posted by and rudeness at 1:14 PM
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I couldnt help myself...

I am sure that everyone gets their fair share of forwards. I know I do. This one caught my eye... I hope it catches yours and brings a smile to your face.

Touching words from the mouth of babes.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think:

Rebecca (age 8):
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

Billy (age 4):
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Karl (age 5):
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Chrissy (age 6):
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Terri (age 4):
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Danny (age 7):
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

Emily (age 8):
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"

Bobby (age 7):
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Nikka (age 6):
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Noelle (age 7):
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

Tommy (age 6):
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Cindy (age 8):
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Clare (age 6):
"My mommy loves me more than anybody, You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

Elaine (age 5):
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

Chris (age 7):
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

Mary Ann (age 4):
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Lauren (age 4):
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Karen (age 7):
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

Mark (age 6):
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

Jessica (age 8):
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."


Posted by and rudeness at 12:57 PM
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What part of NO don't you understand?
There is a fair share of weirdos in my town, "Girly Shoes", "Butt Picker" and "Dirty Child Molester Van Guy" to name a few. These are the people you avoid, see everywhere and when it is your unfortunate time... spend valuable, precious minutes getting stuck talking to, all the while wishing you could melt into the floor or suddenly disappear.

"Girly Shoes" is the most interesting. This is a man, the shortest man ever, standing no more than 4 feet short with the smallest frame. He has the biggest, scariest, hairiest mess of a beard slash goatee thing going on. I think even his eyebrows continue into the ensemble. A big black cowboy hat tops it off and he wears this hideous shiny purple jacket... I have NEVER seen him without. Then of course he has the daintiest feet and the most fabulous shoes. I. mean. really. I AM A WOMAN and I cant find shoes that wonderful. Of course I was also graced with two size TEN left feet.

One afternoon I was taking a quick break in the back of my work so I could call my husband and check up on Bubba. The moment I hit call and put my headset in my ear, Girly Shoes (and no, I have no idea what his name really is) comes around the corner and precedes to tell me about his truck and how someone stole something from it and how that better not happen again and thats my truck and something was stolen from it and they better not mess with his truck cause its HIS... and OMG... and why isnt the ground quietly swallowing me whole?

The dude doesnt even drive above said truck! He has this huge 3 wheeler bike thing that I see him riding all over town. It has a 7 foot tall flag coming out the back and a little bell on the handle bars he uses more than I could even attempt to use my own car horn.

My husband was like, tell him you have a call! And I am trying to whisper to my husband to hang on while Girly Shoes is continuing to go on and on and on. So my husband has this great idea. He's going to hang up and call me back so I can answer and be like "Sorry, I need to take this!" Yet, I forget that I have my phone on silent and when my husband calls back I jump 6 feet cause it's on vibrate. Girly Shoes looks at me, cocks his head and simply walks away with a little wave of the hand that said man she is one freaking weird redhead. So now I'm the crazy but he gets to just walk away?

So this afternoon our list has become even longer still. When our whole department (all 5 of us) stepped out back for a break, there is this guy putting trash into our dumpster that is clearly labeled NO DUMPING and for the Employees of... So my boss quickly begins to politely tell his man... and GOD is she good at confrontation... I could only WISH to be so bold... she INVENTED the confrontation... that there will be none of that and you cant do that when he precedes to take out his unwanted trash and walk to another dumpster along the alley and put it in there. Bastard.

My boss turns to us all and says "Girls, you watch, tonight he'll bring all his trash back and put it in the dumpster. There will be none of that."

Well sure enough... when we took yet another break a couple hours later (I know it sounds like we "break" all the time... but... well okay, we do break all the time...) so Dirty Dumpster Dumper is half way across the parking lot with a huge black trash bag. Whatya know? In the back of his truck there are about 5 more just like it. Of course he immediatly does a 180 and walks back to his truck.

And stands there.

And stands there.

So when all of us girls went back inside after our break... we went STRAIGHT to the window. I had the digital camera in hand and we watched. and. watched. him with the lights turned off and someone was holding a large object... just incase it got ugly and he pulled a gun. We were armed with a... 48... inch... metal ruler? Well whatever. He gets into his truck, circles the parking lot and reparks exactly in the spot he just left. Did he really think he'd fooled us?

He then gets out of the truck and starts heading for our dumpster!! OMG! By this time someone has already called the police and they are pulling into the parking lot just in time to save our precious dumpster from having to share.

By the time all of us settled down (but continued to talk about it like one of us had won the fucking lottery and were going to split it no strings attached among us all) it was time for me to go home.

As I got into my car, he looks over at me among a sea of police officers... just great. Now I know for sure my tires are going to be slashed.
Posted by and rudeness at 4:16 PM
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Hope he got to you first.

Happy Holidays!
I hope everyone had a great time with family and friends!


Posted by and rudeness at 3:34 PM
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Maybe next year...
Every year for the Holidays I make sweets and try to be crafty! with my gift wrapping and Christmas cards.

But there is always that hand full of people that make the coolest! stuff and the neatest! this and the most awesomest! that.

And I am then reminded how un-any of that I am.

Especially this year when a co-worker presented me with this bowl. It is like the damn coolest thing ever. The base is a gourd that took a year to grow, let rot and mold into this hard, beautifully colored bowl. Then she wove 15 in long pine needles on the top and put in little buttons... that are freakin' adorable. To top it off? She dips the whole thing in bees wax. It took her 2 days to make this. She freakin' made like 5 for all of us in my department. (Oh, yeah, and she made the best tasting, prettiest taffy. EVER.)


I love you Kari!
Posted by and rudeness at 3:25 PM
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Ever have one of these kind of days?
Posted by and rudeness at 9:59 PM
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My little frog.
My little Bubba has chosen this as the way to get around for the past week now... because she can.

Hopping! Ribbbbitttt! JUMP!

All. over. the. place. non. stop.


Posted by and rudeness at 12:41 AM
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I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her...
While at work the other day I stumbled upon a great blog. Everyone should go over and say HI'YA to Jolynn. While working through the day I was able to steal glances and read around her site...
I just know if she's looking at her stats she'll see Ryan from WI; 8 hours 32 minutes; 113 page views and be like OMG WHA?! Lol.

Hope you guys have as much fun!
Posted by and rudeness at 9:21 PM
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Murphy must be on vacation.
This weekend has turned out to be quite amazing one in the I'm-not-getting-screwed department. Yes folks, miracles DO happen. Usually I am forever complaining about being screwed and how Murphy is always out to get me.

Friday evening the hubbie and I were discussing our options on what to do about the RAM chips that fried in his computer this past month. Kingston said they need the ORIGINAL receipt, that ONE we dont have, or else they couldnt do anything. That's right folks, $200 down the toilet. After throwing a fit, I figured that I would give Best Buy a call. I had them see if they could find our purchase, we did use our handy dandy debit card, to see if we could get a receipt printed. Then something happened, the lady on the other end said the most beautiful thing I have heard in a long long time, "Well ma'am, those have a lifetime warranty. I found the purchase in our computer, just bring them in and we can exchange them out or get you store credit."

Holy crap!! Miracles DO happen!! They really do!!

Then this afternoon I got a return email on my request form about my digital camera dying right in time for the Holidays. So I called back Circuit City and talked to Bill. My Knight in Shining Armor. After discussing for 5 minutes how weird it was that I am girl having a name like Ryan and that's just so cool, we got down to the bottom line. Well, we cant fix your digital camera, it's just old enough that we cant send you out one similar so we are just going to send you out a gift certificate for the amount of the purchase. Say that again?! You mean, you are REFUNDING me my money!?!? HOLY CRAP! AGAIN! ANOTHER MIRACLE! IN THE SAME WEEKEND!

Now I KNOW my refrigerator, washer and TV are all going out next week. I'll be knocking on wood somewhere if you need me.


Posted by and rudeness at 4:24 PM
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We're all doomed.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (PRINTED ON THE BOTTOM!):"Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought??... what?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
( As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious. Any suggestions?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "WARNING: Contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(OMG!... was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Posted by and rudeness at 9:18 PM
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It sounds MUCH better in the shower.
While everyone is musically talented in my family, I was skipped over. My sister played her guitar and sung at our wedding. I can't carry a tune, play an instrument, NONE of it. I just wasn't blessed in the music department. However I do own a piano. Go figure.

Even though I didnt get the blessing from the Music Gods, I still love music. And trying to sing. Hell, music takes up almost half my 40 GB hard drive. Second to pictures of Bubba.

Once moving to Bumblefuck, WI I realized that the radio stations here are nothing to shake a stick at. So I am big on internet radio and making CD's. I thought it would be a great idea to bring a CD to work one day. I must have spent hours preparing it. Picking the perfect songs trying to get a variety of great music that my co-workers would enjoy. OOoops, Little Kim is NEVER a good choice for a "work CD."

A couple of days after bringing in music, some of the other girls brought in homemade CD's as well. By weeks end I had made DVD copies of all my songs for everyone... I had the good shit. And I think too that the music, brought us all closer. We all enjoy the same kind of music and I think those couple of songs with cussing in them... let us all be looser with each other.

If DMX can say it, so can we!
Posted by and rudeness at 9:11 PM
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I am so tired of taking. it. up. the. ass.
I have lived my life quietly sitting back and listening. I can get a little loud at times but I have learned to keep my mouth shut when it comes to politics and wondering if a woman is pregnant or not. (Cause let me tell you, if you ask, they're not.)

I dont try and pretend that I am a tech savvy person, I do have a savvy sexy hubbie that knows JUST ABOUT FREAKING EVERYTHING YOU COULD ABOUT A PIECE OF ELECTRONICS AND IF YOU'RE HAVING A PROBLEM, HE ONLY HAS TO LOOK AT IT AND IT'S MAGICALLY FIXED. Ahem.

When I started this blogging thing, I was thrilled to learn something new. Mr. Bubba taught me tons of stuff and has gotten me to the point I can handle things on my own. If I can add/change/delete something from my blog, you would have thought I won the lottery, wootin' and hollerin'!! I DID IT! (Ah, THAT'S where Bubba got it from.)

As I sat down to my computer the other day and tried to play around with my blog I was rudely interrupted with updates! updates! update NOW or your computer will DIIIIE! pop up windows until I accidentally hit Just get it the hell over with.

Well, well, well. Let me tell you. I may not know a ton but WTF is this Internet Explorer CRAP?! Everything is suddenly broken on my blog and this hovering white box is following me everywhere. I cant get rid of it. I think it was even following me around town today. You see it? Kick its assss!

So excuse the mess while I try and figure things out. My quick fix? My husband FINALLY convinced me to download Firefox and I am in love! Cause not only does my blog work... when Bubba comes in here and restarts my computer because that cool light is flashing right behind the button... Firefox remembers what internet windows I had open, and politely asks me if I would like them all opened again. Why thank you.

I get soooo tired of Windows, windows, windows. They think they can just take over and make all the rules? Well, let me tell ya, I'm pissed. I cant make my internet explorer got back to the way it was. But I am surely not going to stand by and just deal with it. I am now a faithful (all of 4 days) Firefox user and I will tell EVERYONE I know that IE just isnt worth it anyways.

Cause I kid you not, 15 minutes after I downloaded the new and crappy IE, my monitor cord broke. Hmmm....


Posted by and rudeness at 10:31 PM
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The voices in my head.
Growing up I didnt give a crap about much of anything. I lived for the moment and was selfish, thinking only of me, me, me and that little circle of friends I surrounded myself with. In fact it wasnt until I was about 23 that I realized, that little circle of friends isnt AS important as I thought. It's all about family. Cause no matter what, they're there when you need them, they never forget your birthday and they'll listen when you just need to talk.

Once I had Bubba I made several more startling realizations about family. I am T E R R I F I E D to lose them. Worrying has overtaken me like kudzu in Georgia.

And it wouldnt be quite so bad but every mother thinks a phone call out of the ordinary means someone kidnapped your child or they died in some frak accident. Right? I am not alone here, I hope!?

When I am at work and I cant get ahold of Mr. Bubba, I lose my mind. I cant think straight. I cant work. All I do is play scenario after scenario in my mind. The gas leaked and they got carbon minoxide poisoning. I left the front door unlocked and a murderer got in. Bubba hung herself in her crib and Mr. Bubba cant stop screaming to call me. One after another until I am on my way to a full blown panic attack, seconds from calling 911 and racing home.

I try so hard to stay calm. But I just cant. My inability to control my imagination is going to make me explode. I have noticed that my thoughts run out of control, even when I am IN total control.

I can be at home sitting on the couch with Bubba and in. my. arms and I worry that a fire will break out. With I fulfill my duty as her mother and get her to safety? Will I hesitate and cost her, her life? When we are going to the store, will I look both ways twice at the intersection and make sure I see that semi going a little too fast?

If I could, I would stay home with Bubba 24/7 and NEVER let her leave my sight. I never ever ever want anything to happen to her. Obviously cause I want her forever, for me. But cause I know that I couldnt... cant live without her. I couldnt live with the thought that I was her protector and couldnt do something as simple as that. Protect her. But I also know that too much protection can hurt her, were do you draw the line?

When do the thoughts go away? I feel like I have turned into a pessimistic person that thinks the world is out to ruin my happiness and hurt my family.
Posted by and rudeness at 9:58 AM
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Damn, I heard he is HUNG!
Posted by and rudeness at 7:45 PM
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Can I make my one phone call please?
So today is the first time that I am posting from jail... er... work. For some reason I have no problem surfing the web and reading blogs all. day. long. but as I type this, I feel like I am looking at porn. Everytime someone gets up from their desk or comes through the door I instantly freeze and close the window quickly.

Like they would even know what I am doing! Right? RIGHT!? **rolls eyes at self** And its not like I dont have the resolution on my monitor set where everything is so small that, I wouldnt be surprised if I go blind in a couple years.

So why from jail? Well, best I can figure? Murphy did some inventory on the 5.68 millions computer parts occupying every available out-of-site space in my house and noticed that I didnt have a spare monitor cable.

When I sat at my computer last night, everything was gay. I mean pink and purple. Windows is gaaay! Windows is gaaaaay!

After the initial shock and shout to the hubbie, we determined the cable must have just given out. You know, on the monitor I just bought. So he fished through our mountain-O-parts and we both silently cursed Murphy when we realized, THAT'S the ONE! part we dont have. Figures!

And at first I thought, hey no problem, I can deal with a rainbow colored gay ass Windows screen, but the graphic designer, OCD took over and I shut my computer down.

So I am broke down on the side of the road right now with a flat spare, but dont let that fool yeah, not even jail can stop me!
Posted by and rudeness at 1:11 PM
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Practicing safe calculus in bed.
Back in March 2006 Mandacakes and I thought it would be a great idea to start a morning "Routine." This routine would start out with one of us calling the other, first thing in the morning. We chose an ungodly hour like 5:30am and planned out our "1,600 Miles Apart Morning Routine."

1. Call at 5:30am. Some moaning and groaning involved.
2. Go pee.
3. Make coffee. Swear with Mandacakes at her coffee pot. Talk about how I should get a new one.
4. Listen to Mandacakes wrestle her dogs out the door for a walk. Giggle quietly.
5. Sit on the couch with coffee.
6. Turn on the weather channel.
7. Ridicule and mock the anchors. What in the HELL is she wearing?! OMG what is up with her hair? Think THEY are sleeping together?
8. Once exhausted, turn to CNN Headline News.
9. Repeat #7.
10. Refill coffee and go out on porch to smoke a ciggy. Repeat #10 as needed.
11. Talk until 6:45am and then its "Time to get in the shower."

Our routine occasionally gets changed up. One of us might have to go into work early or have the day off. But pretty much, it has stayed the same. (Yes, even the coffee pot conversation. Since March. Yeah, we like to bitch and do nothing about it.)

Our routine is fabulous because we are awake! alert! and mostly on time! to work everyday.

Then there are mornings like this morning. Here is how the morning started:

MANDACAKES: Honey? You awake? Ryan?

ME: (from the depths of my bed with phone in hand) HMMMmmfphff.

MANDACAKES: Hun, we got up late. It's okay though. I need to jump in the shower now. I'll call you at 7am?

ME: HMMMmmfphff..... k.

MANADCAKES: Did you hear me? Ryan?

ME: HMMMmmfphff..... yaaa.

MANADCAKES: Ryan!? If you want me to call you at 7am, what is 2 + 2?

ME: HMMMmmfphff..... fowwwr.

MANADACAKES: Okay, I'll call you at 7am then. Talk to you then.


Posted by and rudeness at 12:37 PM
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I was busy being a bad influence.
This evening I had grand intentions to write a thought provoking and intriguing post. *rolls eyes*

However, I spent my time trying to get my little Bubba to:

1. Say "Ah crap!" which sounding like "Ahhhhhhw kaw-wap"
2. Getting her to jump on the day bed singing "Jump, Jump, Shake your Booty!"

Things like this just thrill my little soul. She is the cutest thing on this planet! Now I do realize that while she is in kindergarten, I will more than likely get a call scolding me for my poor parenting skills when Bubba drops her glue and politely screams "Ahhhhhhw kaw-wap!" which to her teachers ears sounded like "Fucking shit!"

But hey... it sounds so damn cute. I'll have a couple years to straighten her out. It's not like there would ever be any other time that I would tell her one thing and make her do another. Right?


Posted by and rudeness at 11:19 PM
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One more reason Dooce rocks...
I have been following Dooce for almost a year now and have just been in love with her writing. Occasionally, I will browse through her photos and I was just taken aback by this one. It's so AWESOME!

I think I have showed everyone that is willing to listen, and be drug into my office, this picture. My husband thought I should have titled this post, "Why Dooce gave me an orgasm."

Great work Dooce!

(By the way, I think this would make a GREAT puzzle!)
Posted by and rudeness at 1:23 PM
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If he craps on the floor, he's out!
So I have had a never ending debate within myself about getting another animal. Well, problem solved. Who knew we had one laying around the house this whole time. My husband is a genius.

Kisses and hugs!

Bubba has carried her new (lego) doggie around ALL DAY and even wanted to eat lunch with it. How cute is that?!


Posted by and rudeness at 6:27 PM
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and Flickr.
and prior rudeness.
and daily rudeness.
and cool rudeness.
My site was nominated for Best Parenting Blog!
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