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| I am a girl named Ryan. |
| Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it. |
| If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom. |
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| fastlane rudeness. |
| You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days. |
| and rudeness. |
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I am stable.
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Friday, April 20, 2007
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Well... while I wish I could use that word to describe my mental state at all times... I cant. Cause the only thing STABLE on this bitch is her brain.
Thats right! YEAH!
Things went well in Madison. Nothing changed. Nothing grew. Nothing shrunk, either. (Well, except my fat ass lost 6 pounds.) Woot woot!
I didnt have a very fun time with the MRI... we arent really speaking right now. Next time I even have to come within 100 feet of that thing I will be FULLY loaded with valium.
So thank you for your well wishes. I love you all so much. And yes, Willis was there with me the entire time. Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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1:43 PM
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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away...
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Tuesday, April 17, 2007
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 I have an entire bushel picked and ready to go with me.
I am headed back to Madison tonight to see my doctors tomorrow. I will be going through some MRI testing and what not. With and without contrast. And something else they call "tricks."
I mean really. Tricks? Should I be worried?
So, please say a little prayer that everything is just fine. No changes. Cause I am anxious already to get back home and curl up with my little girl on the couch. Cause there is nothing better than Spongebob reruns.
Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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6:23 PM
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He just wanted me for my body.
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Friday, April 06, 2007
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And TRUST ME, there was nothing sexual about it. For the first 30 minutes I was talking to the doctor yesterday afternoon, there was a twinkle in his eye. Like a youth in them when he was talking about my twisted and distorted brain.
For the longest time I was a little weirded out. Then I figured it all out. His enthusiasm about what was going on, the uncertainties, the uniqueness of my "disease," the research and testing... he was looking at me like, "Damn. If you die from this, can I dissect you?" Cause your brain would be like a trophy in a jar down in the lab. I will take it for walks and we'd eat lunch together under the ole gum tree every. single. day.
Seriously. I thought about this the ENTIRE visit. Okay well... the only time I wasnt thinking about it? I was thinking about how my gown was by NO MEANS actually covering me. Oh, and why in the HELL anyone thought it would be a good idea to put the Neurology Clinic in with the Infectious Disease Clinic*. Yeah. Really. You walk in and on the right is Neurology and on the left is Infectious Disease.
Infectious... Disease.
Why in the living hell couldnt it JUST be the Disease Clinic? Cause when I sat down to wait for the doctor when I first arrived... do you even think for a moment I was going to pick up a magazine to read in THAT waiting room?
Hell the FUCK no. Infectious disease. Ick.
I held Willis tight to me. I wouldnt even let HIM read a magazine.
Speaking of Willis... here he is!
Never. Even for a second. Left my side.
He wouldnt do a flip for the camera though.
I think he is a little shy.
Once my doctors visit was done and I FINALLY found my way out of the hospital and on my merry way, I was quite glad that everything went pretty well. I mean, shit. I wasnt tattooed, pierced or mohawked. I wasnt admitted. I didnt have to get through any crazy ass procedures. No medical power of attorney.
I could get the hang of this. As long as nothing changes!
Being as though my doctors visit was 450 miles round trip, I had plently of time to reflect on the visit itself on the way home. In the end, I defiantly feel better about things. I think. Here's what I learned.
1. The TIA or mini-stroke I had last weekend could have JUST been a symptom of a migraine. Its common to have "neurological lapses" that would include temporary loss of my feeling in the left side of my body.
2. That while there is a good chance that my migraines have NOTHING to do with my crazy arteries, the doctor has a "gut" feeling it is all related. Which is good. Cause I agree with that and was quite freaked out to think that they might NOT have anything to do with one another.
3. The reason that I dont have any literature or research on my "disease" is the very fact, as everything is happening, it IS research. Which, damn... I would defiantly rather be a cookie cutter diagnosis with a cookie cutter resolve... but I guess it is neat to be part of the learning process. As long as they continue to make sure that if SOMETHING does happen, that I continue to make it out of the hospital ALIVE.
4. The tests that I have to go back to Madison for on the 18th arent as scary as I first thought. Once he talked about the MRI/MRA, tricks and experimental things relating it all to photography... it made sense. And I shouldnt need any tranquilizers like I thought I was going to require.
5. With all the twistedness of the arteries in my head, I was worried that other places in my body would be twisted too. He let me know when I had my angiogram that they "hopped over to my kidney and checked things out." Apparently IF something would have gone array anywhere else... that would have been the key location to check out. When they got over to the kidneys... everything was healthy and normal. Thank God.
So, equipped with more understanding, I am feeling better. I still may be worried that if I sneeze... I will blow up but I am not scared about taking a crap anymore.
 (*Please dont think that me saying something like that about the Infectious Disease Clinic meant that I am in any way making fun of someone who actually has something that would require them to be seen by a doctor in this department. I was just thrown off by the combining of clinics and figured that a clinic like "Infectious Disease" should have maybe... had its own area. Cause I am a freak about germs and what not.)
Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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6:43 PM
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Say a little prayer for me...
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Thursday, April 05, 2007
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Today I am going down to Madison to see my doctors for a little checkup. I wasnt suppose to go down until later in the month but last Saturday I had a TIA, or mini-stroke that left my entire left side completely numb for about an hour.
All feeling returned and since then, with the help of a couple extra medicines, I have been feeling great. As in GREAT. As in, I may have even snuck me in some husband time since then. **wink** So along with five days with only ONE migraine... That spells relief.
So I have my favorite outfit on, my lucky underwear and Willis. I am feeling good and ready to go. Oh, Willis... I bet you are wondering who he is...
When my parents came to the hospital for my first MRI when all of this craziness began my Mom brought me a stuffed animal. An adorably soft little dog. I held that thing every second of the time during my stay in the hospital. I swear they even let me hold him during my angiogram.
AsI was thinking about everything the doctors said to me and trying to contemplate things, it struck me to call my new friend, Willis. Cause everyone has a circle of Willis...well I dont have a circle... I have some really twisted arteries and what not... but anyways he is my "Willis." And he can do circles.
Thus. Even without my very own "Circle of Willis"... I have a circling Willis.
Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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7:53 AM
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I'm just selfish. I cant help it.
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Saturday, March 31, 2007
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It is hard to believe that only one week ago today I was in the hospital thinking I was going to die. Maybe not QUITE die. Well I thought I was but I had a lot of encouragement saying I wouldnt. But I thought I would be going into surgery where to fix things, they were going to have to go through my FACE! after shaving my head. That sounds close to death.
And the reason THOSE things scared the living shit out of me? Well, besides the whole surgery thing, possibly losing my right eye, being shaved, having surgery, them cutting into my FACE! because they were doing surgery!, having a stroke and other uncertainties like... what will life be like now? and will I EVER be able to go home and see my husband and daughter again... the thing that freaks me out the most... is that I am just not ready to..."go."
I mean really, who is ever "ready to go"...
As I sat in the hospital and thought through all of these things, I just couldnt get my mind to wrap around any of it. I couldnt FINISH through with the thought of what would happen if I wasnt here. And for now I dont think I am going to try and wrap my mind around that. I am just saying. I mean shit. There is so much that has to be done and so much I want to do in life.
There are the things that go without saying. I want to spend every possible second with my daughter. Teach her. Nurture her. And hold her hand as much as I can throughout life without holding on too hard. She has to learn. She has to grow. And some of it she has to do on her own. But I always want to be there. Always ready. When she needs me. Waiting. To listen to her in her time of need. To understand. To trust her. And to know that she will overcome any obstacle.
I feel like my husband and I have JUST begun our lives together. I want to be that couple that you see walking through the mall at the age of 85. Still hand in hand. Walking in step, slow as it may be, with each other, with that look of satisfaction on their faces. That life was good. And their was nothing they regretted. And that there is no one else in the world they would rather have by their side. Than one another.
I am just not ready. There is much that hasnt happened yet. That I can and cant imagine. I want to be here for all of it.
And I dont want to become negative. I am already scared shitless. But I dont want to live every moment thinking it is my last. Every time I feel a pain in my head or get a migraine I am terrified that I am going to have a stroke. Or my aneurysm is going to burst. (I think that IS called a stoke.) Anyways... I wish I could get past this stage. I know with time and constant monitoring and watching my head with no changes I will start to let those thoughts fall away. But it is such a hard thing to do.
I mean if you had just found out that you had an extra set of arms? Wouldnt you think about those bitches ALL THE TIME? And wonder about them. But if the doctor told you at any minute they MIGHT fall off? Wouldnt you use them AS MUCH as possible. And play with them. And freak out the neighbors?
Okay... this is a WAAAY bad analogy. But you get what I am saying? Right?!
Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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6:30 PM
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Tattooed, Pierced and Mohawked.
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Monday, March 26, 2007
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Yes, I am alive. Never been so incredibly thankful to BE... so very alive. Thank you to everyone who continued to send me well wishes and emails of encouragement. I love you all and hope to NEVER have to fall off the face of the earth again.
Last time I posted I was talking about snowstorms and our household of sickness. Somewhere in there (2 weeks ago now) I have a "saved as a draft" post with quotes like "What a wild week. Its been one thing after another. After another. After another" and "Tuesday rolled around and even though we were getting an unexpected 7 inches of snow, I managed to drag myself to the emergency walk-in clinic. Bronchitis. Just great."
Well, that week turned into another awful week. That turned into ANOTHER even MORE AWFULLER WEEK.
Which brings me to today. Another week. That I pray... calms down.
I could write an incredibly long story about "The Month of March for Ryan and what her Poor Unsuspecting Family could NEVER have Imagined" but I think to the best way to summarize things... is to just give you a list. Or atleast start out with one.
1. Everyone in our house got the flu.
2. The head gasket on my van EXPLODED.
3. My husband and I had matching sinus infections.
4. Mine turned into bronchitis.
5. I broke my glasses. in. half.
6. The back up contacts I had, were the wrong prescription for the 5 days before I got my glasses replaced.
7. For my husbands birthday dinner, I told him to pick anywhere. We went to this cutie little Italian place with my parents and were treated to dinner on them. How sweet huh?
8. The service was awful, the food was all wrong and within 2 hours I was completely broken out in HIVES... Then spent the night in the emergency room.
9. I used a lot of personal days at work.
10. I got to know EVERYONE personally in the ER.
11. The hives returned TENFOLD and I got tons of steroids and drugs.
12. Managed to get a little better... cause apparently STEROIDS make your BRONCHITIS better... and kept my scheduled flight/vacation to Dallas, Texas to see my cousin and friends.
13. Had an absolutely wonderful time in Dallas and hope to expand on the good parts for you later.
14. Started to get a headache.
15. That turned into a migraine.
16. That turned into ANOTHER ER visit.
17. That resulted in Cat Scan.
18. That turned into an emergency you-have-to-come-in-NOW! cause-we-FOUND-SOMETHING MRI.
19. That turned into the worst nightmare of my life.
Which from here my list turns into an experience I would never wish on my worst enemy. I never thought in a million years that I would have one last chance to run home before being rushed to a hospital in a neighboring city and only seconds to look my husband in the eye and tell him that no matter what happened to me, that he promised me, to love our little Bubba with all his heart and make sure her momma knew that she loved her forever. I had seconds to hug her and kiss her and had to actually let go, set her down, walk out the door, with that being maybe the last time I would ever hold her again because I. might. not. come. back.
My parents dropped everything to be by my side every step of the way. They went into action mode and never for a second let me believe anything but a miracle was going to happen. I talked to family and friends all over the globe that I never thought I would get a chance to talk to again.
My MRI "found" an aneurysm on my carotid artery. I spent the night in the ER under bed rest with that discovery playing over and over again in my mind. In the morning they took me by ambulance to another hospital in Madison to be seen by the best neurosurgeons and neurologists this country has to offer.
After going through several tests the next step was a cerebral angiogram to determine what was EXACTLY going on. Had I had a stroke? Was there bleeding? What did this aneurysm look like so they could operate on it. If they had to. When they had to.
(When I had the angiogram they actually gave my va-jayjay a shave. And I thought they just straight up shave it. No. They took the sides. And gave me a MOWHAWK. Nice huh? Then pierced me in the leg... did their thing and then tattooed my foot in PERMANENT black marker to map my arteries. So my Mom made the comment when she was talking to my husband when I got out of surgery, "You know, turn your back and Ryan goes off to the big city to be tattooed, pierced and mohawked.")
Its amazing the roller coaster of emotions that I went through as these events unfolded. I figured I would be fine. BUT I've been to THREE hospitals in less than 24 hours. I'll be fine. BUT they drove me by freaking AMBULANCE cause it was that urgent. No problem... I'll be home in a couple days. BUT I am setting up a Medical Power of Attorney and saying things like, "Man I dont even have a will."
When the cerebral angiogram was complete and the neurologists and neurosurgeons sat down with me... an entirely different but still scary as hell story unfolded.
I am unique. So unique that my head is now in a very small percentile of cases even reported. The arteries in my head arent straight and beautiful like most. They are twisted and ballooned and snake all over the place. I have a couple "extras" in there. Some that go no nowhere. Some that dont exist. And others that are taking up the slack for the missing.
The aneurysm on my carotid artery isnt as big as they first thought but still a spot that needs to be watched carefully. I have another spot to be watched in the back of my head somewhere.
What the hell does all that really mean? Well, I am still trying to figure it out. I am alive.
I will be thankful for every breathe that I take and every kiss, hug and silly moment with my little Bubba. I'll say I love you one MORE time when I hang up the phone with my parents and friends. I will stop and smell the flowers. I will tell my husband again that he is the best father. The best husband. And the most amazing man I could have ever hoped for. I will make sure my sister knows how much I love to tease her about her BIG HAIRY BROWN CIRCLE.
No one had to cut my head open. For now. I will continue to go to Madison and have tests done. I'll be monitored for life. And I'll pray that nothing changes. Nothing gets bigger. And everything stays calm. Including me. Cause it is all about keeping my blood pressure down and stress eliminated.
Easier said than done in my world. But now I am working on it in a big way. Cause now the phrase Its a matter of life and death takes on a WHOLE new meaning.Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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10:43 AM
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