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| I am a girl named Ryan. |
| Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it. |
| If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom. |
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| fastlane rudeness. |
| You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days. |
| and rudeness. |
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I know I whine and complain a lot about the cold but what I mean to say is at least there arent any cockroaches.
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There was a time when I lived in Texas that I couldnt turn the lights out at night. And I am not talking about having a little night light cause I was scared of the dark. Not a night light that really only made my curtains and dresser cast shades like monsters on the wall. I am not talking about leaving the hallway light on and having the door open just. a. crack. Cause really, that crack of light would just BEAM! right in my eye and bother the hell out of me.
So when I say I couldnt turn the lights out at night. I meant that EVERY. SINGLE. light that had a switch to flip, that belonged to my power bill was ON! and BRIGHT! and making sure that every. single. square. inch. that I rented was lit.
My 9,600 square inches of real estate was the first house I lived in when I moved back to Texas in 1999. It was a cutie little two bedroom, one bath duplex that was part of an old army base and had the lovely little quirk of having the washer and dryer setup in the kitchen. I had recently purchased a new washer and dryer and couldnt wait to get it hooked up and running. And of course this would be the first thing to be set up cause it was new! and fun! The rest would follow in its time. Immediately after the washer and dryer, of course. When you are a recovering army brat that moved a... LOT, you begin a pattern of getting everything set up as soon as possible so that you can feel safe and secure by whats normal... so that your not without "home" as long in between those moments of uprooting and moving.
So as I hook up the washer and dryer, I notice that I cannot get the washers' drain pipe down the pipe in the wall. And what would any girl do? So I start shoving even. harder. until I realize that I'm not getting anywhere. I'll never get anywhere. So whats the next thing a girls to do? I called the plumber to come out IMMEDIATELY! and seriously within 5 minutes he is there and telling me that there are HYPODERMIC NEEDLES shoved into the pipe. WTF!
So I leave to do something while the wall is being ripped open and needles are being pulled from places they had no business being in the first place. I mean really?
Within an hour or so I am back in business but the plumber has politely explained to me that he will have to come back the next day to CLOSE. the. hole. in the wall he made because there wouldnt be enough time today... and spackle... and timeclock... and drywall... and whatEVA.
A couple hours later as night has fallen, I am 98% done unpacking my house and watching TV on the couch. Srckweeek... I mean I only have a couple... Srckweeek... boxes to finish and I can bust through that... srckweeek... in the morning before I go to... srchweeek... OKAY WHAT THE MOTHER EFFING CHRIST IS THAT EFFING NOISE? I get up.... srckweeek...I investigate... srckweeek... I stand as still as I can and listen... srckweeek...Where is that coming from?...srckweeek...What the hell is it?... srckweeek...As I start to open drawers in the kitchen thinking Do I really have a mouse? I see it.
THERE IS A EFFING COCKROACH IN THE DRAWER. Oh yes! And let me tell you. Not only is this cockroach sitting there, I swear!, propped on its back legs like a MOTHER EFFING squirrel, it is eating. a. stick. of. Big. Red. gum.
Chomping.
Propped up like a SQUIRREL.
Loving.
and Chewing.
A stick of gum. And I am screaming! And looking! Am I losing it? And screaming! And it is still sitting there!
Chomping.
Propped up like a SQUIRREL.
Loving.
and Chewing.
The little invader is NOT even phased one. single. bit. And I am onto phase four of OMG there is a cockroach eating a piece of gum! (To recap... 1: Theres a cockroach in the drawer, 2: Theres a MOTHER EFFING cockroach in the drawer!!, 3: HE is sitting back with a stick of... wha?, 4: A STICK OF GUM! OMG! WTF! IT IS EATING A STICK OF GUM!) Now that we got the phases down...
What in the world is a COCKROACH doing NOT ONLY in MY drawer... WHAT THE WOOOORLD!!! is it doing EATING A PIECE OF GUM. I'm surprised I didnt faint. Especially from all the screaming! I think a part of me just knew I was seeing things and I was making sure I truly was seeing them.
Then there is a flash to my right. Another invader runs towards the refrigerator. OMG! And then I look on the counter. This entire time I have been screaming and making my eyes so wide they should have fallen out, there is yet ANOTHER invader sitting on the counter. I should have asked him if he wanted me to pop him some mother effing popcorn as his entertainment of a lifetime unfolded in front of him. I think that little invader was the others look out.
Cause when I grabbed the butcher knife and WHACKED him in half... I swear he was in the middle of saying, "RUN! Get the gum. Share the Red and remember my name!"
I spent the first night in my first home with a butcher knife in one hand and a fly swatter in the other, backed into the corner, crazed, dazed and ready. to. kill. I got a dozen of those dirty, filthy, Big Red chewing invaders that night.
And many sleepless nights followed with lights a bright throughout my little duplex as I debugged, bombed and filled every hole, nook and cranny I could find with spray foam and cockroach KILLER.
Welcome to Texas... and dont EVER let the plumber come back the next day to close the huge, gapping hole in the wall.
Cause I tell yeah...
Labels: Flashes into the past
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
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10:14 PM
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| Oh my gosh!! You brave woman!! I would have been out of there so fast my head would have been spinning!!!! yikes!! Hope your days of cockroaches are over. ((Hugs)) freaky.
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| Posted by
Brenda
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January 11, 2007 8:07 AM
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| Ewww! That's what I have a boyfriend for! I so would not have been able to deal with that. Our zoo has some giant cockroaches and I get the heebie-jeebies just looking at them even though I know they're trapped in their cage!
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| Posted by
Heidi
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January 11, 2007 9:17 AM
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| hahahah.... i'm sorry. shouldn't laugh. but believe me, we've all had crazy infested living condition stories. Mine was in a studio apt. in Los Angeles when I was 21, in college and BROKE. I used to throw myt giant engineering text books on them and squish their guts out. blech.
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| Posted by
jenerrz
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January 11, 2007 12:00 PM
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Oh.
My.
Gawd.
I have the heebie jeebies now. I was laughing my f'en ass off ... but now I am twitching for fear that there are cockroaches on me.
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| Posted by
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January 11, 2007 7:41 PM
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| That is the most horriying, yet funniest thing I have ever heard!
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| Posted by
Jolynn
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January 12, 2007 11:03 AM
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| Oh my, this is an old post but definately a good one! You've inspired me to write my very own critter story (not funny like yours though!)
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| Posted by
Natalie
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June 29, 2007 10:11 PM
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| OMG, that's scary (and funny) - I think I would have had to leave the house that night & put it on the market the next day!!
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| Posted by
Sara
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July 02, 2007 2:44 PM
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| All I can say is that at least they weren't scorpions! Or black widow spiders!...Or tarantulas!...Or baby copperhead snakes!...all of which I have encountered in various abodes in Texas in the past. Tell me again, what is it that I miss about Texas...? Cute story. Good luck in the "Blows My Dress Up!" contest
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| Posted by
Fourier Analyst
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July 06, 2007 2:27 AM
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