and rudeness.: Oh. My. God.

Welcome
to my blog.

I am a girl named Ryan.

Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it.

If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom.

and about rudeness.

and rudeness
of the week.

fastlane rudeness.

You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days.

and rudeness.

and old rudeness.

and find rudeness.

Oh. My. God.

There have been moments in my life where I have lost control. And I mean total control. My first time to "lose it" was when I was 12 and I said the "F word" over and over again with hate and rage at my father when he attacked me. If a word could have killed, fuck would have grown wings, horns and claws, jumped from my mouth and chased him out of the country.

The second time was when I was 17 and I couldnt take the yelling and screaming and emotional abuse any longer... and I got out my all my nasty words, hateful phrases, screamed I would move out and never look back... I think my head was spinning and my hair turned to serpents... and I left. Because I was scared. Shitless. Of myself.

Since then, there really hasnt been a time that I lost myself. That I stood across the room from myself, removed from the demon I had become at that moment, and wondered if I would ever return to normal. The feeling of absolute loss of control. I have done my best to control that demon. Almost seeing it disappear. Now that doesnt mean that there hasnt been times that I wasnt on the brink of losing it... feeling as the floor was slipping from beneath me and THAT demon would return and throw me aside...

I have been through a decade of roller coaster highs and lows since then that have taken me beyond happiness as well as beyond sadness. In the end, I feel like I have done pretty well, my spirit is still together. It may also be all the duct tape and super glue. But together. And my demon in his cage.

But yet... If there was one thing that could destroy it all... One fear that could make me lose my mind... One person that could ruin it... One person that could make me fall apart...

I encountered him THIS week. And all I want to do is run...

Posted by and rudeness on Saturday, January 06, 2007 at 11:45 AM
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(((Hugs)))
Posted by Brenda	\|	January 06, 2007 12:22 PM