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| I am a girl named Ryan. |
| Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it. |
| If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom. |
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| fastlane rudeness. |
| You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days. |
| and rudeness. |
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Tattooed, Pierced and Mohawked.
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Yes, I am alive. Never been so incredibly thankful to BE... so very alive. Thank you to everyone who continued to send me well wishes and emails of encouragement. I love you all and hope to NEVER have to fall off the face of the earth again.
Last time I posted I was talking about snowstorms and our household of sickness. Somewhere in there (2 weeks ago now) I have a "saved as a draft" post with quotes like "What a wild week. Its been one thing after another. After another. After another" and "Tuesday rolled around and even though we were getting an unexpected 7 inches of snow, I managed to drag myself to the emergency walk-in clinic. Bronchitis. Just great."
Well, that week turned into another awful week. That turned into ANOTHER even MORE AWFULLER WEEK.
Which brings me to today. Another week. That I pray... calms down.
I could write an incredibly long story about "The Month of March for Ryan and what her Poor Unsuspecting Family could NEVER have Imagined" but I think to the best way to summarize things... is to just give you a list. Or atleast start out with one.
1. Everyone in our house got the flu.
2. The head gasket on my van EXPLODED.
3. My husband and I had matching sinus infections.
4. Mine turned into bronchitis.
5. I broke my glasses. in. half.
6. The back up contacts I had, were the wrong prescription for the 5 days before I got my glasses replaced.
7. For my husbands birthday dinner, I told him to pick anywhere. We went to this cutie little Italian place with my parents and were treated to dinner on them. How sweet huh?
8. The service was awful, the food was all wrong and within 2 hours I was completely broken out in HIVES... Then spent the night in the emergency room.
9. I used a lot of personal days at work.
10. I got to know EVERYONE personally in the ER.
11. The hives returned TENFOLD and I got tons of steroids and drugs.
12. Managed to get a little better... cause apparently STEROIDS make your BRONCHITIS better... and kept my scheduled flight/vacation to Dallas, Texas to see my cousin and friends.
13. Had an absolutely wonderful time in Dallas and hope to expand on the good parts for you later.
14. Started to get a headache.
15. That turned into a migraine.
16. That turned into ANOTHER ER visit.
17. That resulted in Cat Scan.
18. That turned into an emergency you-have-to-come-in-NOW! cause-we-FOUND-SOMETHING MRI.
19. That turned into the worst nightmare of my life.
Which from here my list turns into an experience I would never wish on my worst enemy. I never thought in a million years that I would have one last chance to run home before being rushed to a hospital in a neighboring city and only seconds to look my husband in the eye and tell him that no matter what happened to me, that he promised me, to love our little Bubba with all his heart and make sure her momma knew that she loved her forever. I had seconds to hug her and kiss her and had to actually let go, set her down, walk out the door, with that being maybe the last time I would ever hold her again because I. might. not. come. back.
My parents dropped everything to be by my side every step of the way. They went into action mode and never for a second let me believe anything but a miracle was going to happen. I talked to family and friends all over the globe that I never thought I would get a chance to talk to again.
My MRI "found" an aneurysm on my carotid artery. I spent the night in the ER under bed rest with that discovery playing over and over again in my mind. In the morning they took me by ambulance to another hospital in Madison to be seen by the best neurosurgeons and neurologists this country has to offer.
After going through several tests the next step was a cerebral angiogram to determine what was EXACTLY going on. Had I had a stroke? Was there bleeding? What did this aneurysm look like so they could operate on it. If they had to. When they had to.
(When I had the angiogram they actually gave my va-jayjay a shave. And I thought they just straight up shave it. No. They took the sides. And gave me a MOWHAWK. Nice huh? Then pierced me in the leg... did their thing and then tattooed my foot in PERMANENT black marker to map my arteries. So my Mom made the comment when she was talking to my husband when I got out of surgery, "You know, turn your back and Ryan goes off to the big city to be tattooed, pierced and mohawked.")
Its amazing the roller coaster of emotions that I went through as these events unfolded. I figured I would be fine. BUT I've been to THREE hospitals in less than 24 hours. I'll be fine. BUT they drove me by freaking AMBULANCE cause it was that urgent. No problem... I'll be home in a couple days. BUT I am setting up a Medical Power of Attorney and saying things like, "Man I dont even have a will."
When the cerebral angiogram was complete and the neurologists and neurosurgeons sat down with me... an entirely different but still scary as hell story unfolded.
I am unique. So unique that my head is now in a very small percentile of cases even reported. The arteries in my head arent straight and beautiful like most. They are twisted and ballooned and snake all over the place. I have a couple "extras" in there. Some that go no nowhere. Some that dont exist. And others that are taking up the slack for the missing.
The aneurysm on my carotid artery isnt as big as they first thought but still a spot that needs to be watched carefully. I have another spot to be watched in the back of my head somewhere.
What the hell does all that really mean? Well, I am still trying to figure it out. I am alive.
I will be thankful for every breathe that I take and every kiss, hug and silly moment with my little Bubba. I'll say I love you one MORE time when I hang up the phone with my parents and friends. I will stop and smell the flowers. I will tell my husband again that he is the best father. The best husband. And the most amazing man I could have ever hoped for. I will make sure my sister knows how much I love to tease her about her BIG HAIRY BROWN CIRCLE.
No one had to cut my head open. For now. I will continue to go to Madison and have tests done. I'll be monitored for life. And I'll pray that nothing changes. Nothing gets bigger. And everything stays calm. Including me. Cause it is all about keeping my blood pressure down and stress eliminated.
Easier said than done in my world. But now I am working on it in a big way. Cause now the phrase Its a matter of life and death takes on a WHOLE new meaning.Labels: My Twisted Head
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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Monday, March 26, 2007
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10:43 AM
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| OH MY GOSH, RYAN!!! I will 100% keep you in my prayers and definitely let me know if you need anything. I am so sorry this had to happen to you but it's such a blessing that everything turned out ok.
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| Posted by
Whitney
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March 27, 2007 6:57 AM
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| Ryan i am so so sorry. I will keep a gazillion good thoughts for you.
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| Posted by
Denise
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March 27, 2007 9:28 AM
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| Oh. My God. I can't believe how scary that must all have been! I am so glad to know that you're alive and okay. *hugs*
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| Posted by
Heidi
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March 27, 2007 11:07 AM
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Sweetheart, I love you so much and am so happy that you are safe and home. When I thought that your trip here might be the last time we would be together, I felt broken and so very afraid. You are my best friend, my partner in crime, my sister of the heart. I cannot face the thought of losing you. We have so much more to do together, mayo jars to drop, butterflies to watch, and nights staying up way past bedtime to go to Wal-mart in the wee hours. I want our children to grow up together and I want to sit with you for hours on the porch talking and drinking coffee. Nothing can ever happen to you. Ever.
I can't wait to live closer to each other so we can see each other every day and reminisce and laugh and share tears. You mean the world to me, and I miss you constantly.
I know Grandma is watching over you. I've seen a butterfly every day since you left and know she is thinking of us. Be safe, and know that I love you more than you can possibly imagine.
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| Posted by
MandaCakes
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March 27, 2007 11:36 AM
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| WOW! I am so glad to hear that you are ok. I'm sure there have been many worried people. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. Take care of yourself!
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| Posted by
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March 27, 2007 12:45 PM
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| I am in complete shock after reading this. I only know you from the blogosphere and yet, I'm stunned and hope nothing but the best for you. No one should have to hear such a scary diagnosis. Something so uncommon. I know your little Bubba knows she has a good loving mommy. You show her that every day your with her. Even before you heard your news. Keep us posted.
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| Posted by
Jolynn
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March 28, 2007 9:58 AM
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| i Was thinking Ryan, Did the doctors say that this would hurt your chance of being pregnant again? Do they advise against it? Did they let you go back to work?
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| Posted by
Denise
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March 28, 2007 12:18 PM
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Well Nailgirl thats a good thing to ask. I didnt have time to go into EVERYTHING because I was told so much over the last fews days...
There are several things that I will NEVER be able to do:
1. Sky dive
2. Scuba dive
3. Ride in non-commercial aircraft such as smaller planes that are not properly pressurized.
4. Roller coasters
5. Bungee Jumping
Things of that natural... no raising my blood pressure!
The doctors did ask me if I wanted to have anymore children. At this time the answer has to be no.
The tests and surgeries that I would have to undergo if anything began to happen in my head would NOT be in the interest of a growing fetus.
For now they are asking me to wait ATLEAST 3 years. We will look at the situation then.
I am still trying to process that Bubba may be the only child my husband and I have. But a miracle none the less.
My husband and I are very much for adoption though... but we will cross THAT bridge when it comes.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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March 28, 2007 2:50 PM
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| Thanx!! who needs sky diving and scuba diving anyway?? Bummer on the roller coasters though.
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| Posted by
Denise
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March 28, 2007 3:58 PM
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| Oh my goodness Ryan!!!! ((((Hugs)))) I'm so very sorry!!!! You are in my prayers hon.
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| Posted by
Brenda
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March 29, 2007 6:58 AM
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Even though I just know you through the bloggy world, I'm sitting here teary eyed saying to myself "How Fucking scary is that and how God damn happy I am to hear that she is okay."
I am God damn happy to hear that you are okay.
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| Posted by
^starshine
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March 30, 2007 9:39 PM
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You found me, then I found you and boy am I glad!! You are pretty stinking awesome yourself!!!
And this ... this is ... well, this is freaking scary. I just can't imagine going through something like this or knowing something like this. I am in awe of your strength and character. Truly.
And btw, I think your name is awesome! I love it! :)
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| Posted by
Adventures in Baby Fat
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March 31, 2007 3:22 PM
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