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| I am a girl named Ryan. |
| Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it. |
| If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom. |
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| fastlane rudeness. |
| You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days. |
| and rudeness. |
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Extraordinary is more like it.
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I got a letter in the mail saying... and I quote... "Your pap smear results are satisfactory."
SATISFACTORY?! You have got to be freaking kidding me. After the performance I pulled off? Satisfactory my effing ass. I deserved a gold medal. A prize package worth millions. And a place on the wall of SURVIVING THE WORST PAP SMEAR EVER. A place, right at the TOP.
SatisFACTORY... pffft... that should have read, "Your pap smear was EXTRAORDINARY! and your results are absolutely breathtaking!"
The day I went to see the doctor, everything started out so fabulous. I got up early. Enjoyed the news & weather. Spent serious time in Blogland. Topped off a pot of coffee. Ate my yogurt, fruit and bran.
Just like every morning should be!
I was ready to go EARLY so Bubba and I arrived 15 minutes BEFORE my appointment started. Are you hearing me? I was early. THAT never happens. As I was checking in the receptionist gave me a form to fill out. I politely told her that I was on my period so I wouldnt need to fill out the pap smear form... rather I needed to reschedule that part of my visit. No, she said, go ahead and fill it out.
Whatever.
When I was called back I was absolutely ecstatic to find out that I had lost 10 more pounds. HELL YEAH! Note to self: It MUST be the bran cereal I ate for breakfast. Must. buy. more. bran.
However, when she took my height? Holy mother of Christ. Are you serious? 5' 6". No, do it again. Five. foot. six. inches. Damnit. When I was in sixth grade I was the tallest girl in my class. In fact it stayed that way pretty much until high school. 5 foot SEVEN inches. By all sixth grade standards, I was a GIANT. A four-eyed, brace-faced GIANT.
Where in there did I lose all this height? My mother tells me that I have extremely flexible joints. My self tells me its cause I am on the heavier side of delicate. My doctor says it doesnt matter. BUT IT DOES! I am shrinking. I think everything started going for the equator when Bubba was born. Well, ha, and not JUST my height.
Right off the bat she hands me the gown and tells me to strip. And here is a towel you can put over your lap because the gown isnt long enough.
You THINK.
But Nurse, I am on my period. Can we just reschedule this?
Is your flow heavy?
Not really.
Ok. Here's your gown.
Damnit.
When the nurse leaves. I start to get undressed. IMMEDIATELY Bubba starts SCREAMING "MOMMA! PUT CLOTHES ON! RIGHT NOW! CLOTHES ON!"
The best I could do to sooth my daughters conception of when exactly IS the right time to be naked, was to put my shirt back on under the excuse-of-a-gown. Once I sat on the table and had my handy dandy "towel" in place, Bubba wanted to sit with me. No sooner than I struggle to remain covered while hoisting her onto my lap, nurse and doctor walk in. They are like, So you want to hold her then? Uhm, yeah sure, that is a wonderful idea. (Do you hear the sarcasm?)
I do the lay back thing and the scoot forward thing. Even the, no scoot EVEN FARTHER! thing. A little faaarther. THERE. So, I am completely in position with Bubba straddling my stomach. Seems great huh? Of course, the first thing the doctor wants to do is the breast exam. Hello, do you see the child 3 inches below my boobs? As he lifts my shirt Bubba is tugging on it and saying, "MOMMA'S SHIRT!" And he is like, "It's okay."
Once he starts feeling around, Bubba is giving me the weirdest look of "This just isnt right Momma, what in the hell is going on? Does Daddy know about this?"
The moment the doctor said All good, Bubba YANKS my shirt away and pulls it down. Shirt ON Momma.
Thanks.
When I placed my feet in the stirrups Bubba leaned way down into my face and I was trying to distract her from what was going on. Talking about going to see grandma when we were done. Anything. But as the nurse and doctor are talking Bubba was too distracted by what was getting so much attention. I kept trying to get her to lay back down on me, when all of a sudden she gets right in my face with her hands clamped around her mouth and whispers ever so seriously...
Wait for it. Waaaaait foooor iiiiit.
Child. If you had ANY idea what was going on...
The next 30 seconds dragged on FOREVER and I was very glad when the doctor told me I could sit up. Wait. Sit up. Holy crap. I have a child straddling me. Ok. 1. 2. 3. CURL UP!
At that exact moment as I was CURLING UP! I landed my curled ass right on the foot board of the table. And once the table realized this... it began to tilt. Tilting me.
Right.
to.
the.
floor.
Yeah, you got it. The mother beeping table is IN THE MOTHER OH MY GOD AIR!! So I dont know what to do and I am freaking out but I cant get my mouth to say HELP! and I gently put Bubba down and try to lower the table with my ASS as carefully as I can. Completely freaked out by the way. Completely.
At the exact moment the nurse and doctor turn around to see my HORRID expression as the TABLE WAAAA BAAAAAAAAAAANGS! itself to the floor.
The nurse. ran. out. of. the. room.
The doctor turned 107 shades of BRIGHT RED and quickly looked away asking me "Is there anything else you had questions about?"
Nope. I am all good.
And then, he himself ran from the room.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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Wednesday, May 09, 2007
at
8:24 AM
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| Oh my gosh, Ryan, I have never laughed harder at you than at this very moment. That. Was. AWESOME.
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| Posted by
Whitney
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May 09, 2007 4:46 PM
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| So the next time I have to make the dreaded visit and I feel so humiliated and uncomfortable, I'm so going to think of this and then I won't feel quite so bad.
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| Posted by
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May 09, 2007 7:59 PM
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This damn post is a masterpiece.
I'm ready to write a letter of complaint to the Results Board, wailing "How dare you give her cells a mere satisfactory?"
All you failed to do, really, is perfect that, em, dismount.
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| Posted by
Jocelyn
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May 09, 2007 11:37 PM
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This is hilarious. Also a good reminder to NEVER bring my kids along on an appointment.
Also, it would be so cool to receive a letter that said "Your pap smear was EXTRAORDINARY! and your results are absolutely breathtaking!"
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| Posted by
Heidi
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May 10, 2007 5:49 AM
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Dialing Mr. Flinger right now (in between bouts of laughing and crying) to tell him HE WILL JOIN ME TODAY AT THE OB. There will be no ass-hitting-table for me. I'd totally break it. ;-)
You crack me up.
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| Posted by
Mrs. Flinger
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May 10, 2007 1:37 PM
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| Oh my goodness girl!!! That was hilarious!! You deserve a gold metal for that!!
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| Posted by
Brenda
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May 10, 2007 4:45 PM
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You should so win the "This Blog Blows My Skirt Up" contest! That was hilarious! I really feel for you.
Maybe next time you could leave Bubba with a sitter?
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| Posted by
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June 16, 2007 8:48 PM
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| That was hilarious!!! I'll have to remember that next month when I go in for my annual. And I won't be bringing X-man...I've secured a babysitter.
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| Posted by
snarflemarfle
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June 17, 2007 6:55 PM
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Too funny!!!
I'm also in the Blows My Dress Up contest, but honey, your story is so much funnier than mine! And here I thought mine was pretty funny!! Good luck!
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| Posted by
Karen
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June 18, 2007 5:57 AM
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