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| I am a girl named Ryan. |
| Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it. |
| If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom. |
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| fastlane rudeness. |
| You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days. |
| and rudeness. |
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Weighing In.
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I looked for about 2 hours this morning trying to find a picture of myself that I felt comfortable enough to post here. The result? Hell the "F" no. I realized that I am the one TAKING the picture about 99.865% of the time because I dont like to be the one IN the picture.
Let me rephrase that.
I MAKE SURE I am not in the picture because... well... here goes nothing. I am fat. Heavier side of delicate is what I tricked myself into thinking. But lets lay out the facts. Let me for ONCE be honest about the truth. I am a big girl.
I refer to myself as the "Fat Girl" at work and no one has EVER stopped or corrected me. I dont expect people to. Cause the truth dont lie, baby. But I am so fucking tired of being Mrs. Fat Girl. I am so tired of hiding behind the humor of making fun of myself when all I want to do is cry about being overweight. And eat some cake. That didnt make me gain more weight.
I have the amazing ability to deny how I look. If I wear an outfit that makes me FEEL good... then I can fake myself into believing I LOOK good... thus somehow magically skinny. Yeah, my brain and eyes are going to have to start working together a little better. I basically severed the connection a long, long time ago when it came to my size.
When I was younger and in high school I never really had a problem with my weight. Of course, I thought I was a cow then... If I could only look the way I did then... Jesus... why cant I just be happy?
Well... what the fuck do I mean by happy?
I grew up in a very strict household. My father was in the military and my Mom... well she was an Officers Wife. Appearances. Appearances. That was what it was all about. So my parents ensured that we ate healthy and never, ever strayed. To this day I hate frozen chicken and frozen veggies. YUCK. ICK. Nasty.
Remember me talking about all the bike riding I did as a youngster? Yeah, we were a very athletic family. In the summers when I was 10-12 I would go with my Dad to work out with his soldiers in the morning. My Dad would be like "AND DONT LET A 12 YEAR OLD SHOW YOU UP SOLIDER!!" And I could back then. Later in high school my Mom and I worked out. every. single. morning. on top of me being active in sports.
When I moved out of my parents house in 1998 I went nuts. I was a size 10 and barely 140 pounds. And thought I was fat. But once I was on my own I "found" food. And I loved it. And OMG I still do.
By 2000 I had gained 80 pounds. Hardly noticed. Then slowly over the last couple of years I have gained a little here. And a little there. And OMG you can get fat HERE?! And on and on and on...
Denial. Denial. Denial.
But I am by no means here to try and blame my parents or anything for my weight gain. I know it was all me. All me and my I-will-never-look-like-THAT-denial.
Here goes nothing... On March 31st I weighted in at TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY TWO POUNDS. That is the largest I have been in my life. I weighted ONE pound less than that horrid number the day my daughter was born. OH MY FUCKING GOD RYAN.
When I heard the nurse scream that number across the room when the doctor asked while I was in the emergency room, for the FIRST TIME that number hit me. I am DOUBLE the weight I should be. OMG. No small wonder the MRI machine and I dont like each other!
Anyone seen The Incredibles when Bob "goes back undercover" and shoots through the tube to go and stop "the machine" as a test? And he gets stuck because he put on a couple extra pounds? And he is like WHAM, WHAM, WHAM and then finally gets sucked out? Yeah, that is EXACTLY what I was the thinking about the ENTIRE time I was in the MRI.
 My train of thought over the last couple of years has been this:
1. I ate good yesterday, so I defiantly can have this donut. Or candy bar.
2. My pants feel a little looser today... I think I'll super size my combo meal.
3. I am so angry... that ice cream would make me feel better.
4. I'll join the gym... and if I am working out, then I can slack a little and eat more sweets. I mean, I'm working out... thats enough.
5. My husband loves me for who I am. HE says that I look great JUST THE WAY I AM.
6. WHO THE HELL AM I TRYING TO PLEASE ANYWAYS?
7. Fuck all the skinny people... fat is the new thin!
This exact line of thinking is what got me to where I was on March 31st, ashamed and embarrassed YET AGAIN about my weight. My God did the nurse have to scream that out loud. What a bitch!
 When I went to Dallas in March, my friend took this picture while I visited her and her new son on March 16th. She actually emailed me the picture a couple days later and here is what went through my mind when I first saw it:
DAMN I AM HUUUGE! However, photos automatically add weight. The picture was taken at a weird angle. I was looking down... thus the 17 chins I can see. The NEWBORN child I am holding is a bad reference for size cause he is only 4 weeks old and so small.
God I amaze myself. Denial. Denial. Denial.
Whenever I have to have lab work done at the doctors office and I get the results back... I always ask, "Okay, so my lab work is all fine... but is it RYAN-IS-FAT-FINE or is it I-cant-even-tell-you-are-OBESE-fine?"
So now I have gotten to the point were... ENOUGH is ENOUGH. I am going to do something about it this time. I will live in denial no more. I will quit kidding myself when I walk past a mirror that "the lighting is bad" or "the angle makes me big." I am big. And I can change that. Cause why? Because I dont just want to... I need to. For me.
I want to know what it is like the put my bra on and not have to struggle for 3 minutes stuffing my boobs into a bra that I should have gotten a size bigger but was embarrassed to buy. I want to stand up and not pull and tug and pull on my clothing to "readjust." I want to wear shorts and be comfortable with how I look. I want to wear a tank top and not apologize to my husband about looking like a cow but I am hot.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
So unofficially April 1st I started a diet. Officially things really got kicked off on April 18th after my MRI experience. Mandacakes educated me on the ways of her Fitness Broo ha ha and I have stuck to it from day one. Not a single french fry from my daughters happy meal. Not a single soda. Not a piece of cake. Or a donut at work. Nothing bad. I am happy to say that I have dropped 24 pounds and am seeing fat leave the weirdest places.
Like the sides of my boobs. BONUS. My chin. TRIPLE BONUS. Slowly from my waist and I think my butt is on its way to being smaller. And I swear my toes look thinner. Freaking sweet!
My final goal is to lose 115 pounds. In one year. So 91 more pounds to go. I think I can do it. Nay...I know I can.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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Thursday, May 24, 2007
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8:05 AM
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| Good luck Ryan, you can do it. I wish I had the desire to lose the 100 pounds that I need to lose.
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| Posted by
Denise
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May 24, 2007 5:51 PM
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| Thanks for the very honest post. Most people couldn't be that honest with themselves. Congratulations on losing 24 pounds already....that's a lot! Keep it up, I'm sure you can do it!
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May 25, 2007 7:19 AM
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| Good luck on your diet. You are doing great so far. 24 pounds, that's awesome! I wish I had the motivation to lose a few pounds, but I just don't. I'm sure you will meet your goal.
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May 25, 2007 9:07 AM
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| What a great and HONEST post! Congratulations Ryan! I wish you the best of luck at reaching you goal!
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| Posted by
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May 25, 2007 11:03 AM
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Rock on Ryan!! That is just great on the weight loss. Oprah suggests not to look at it as a "diet" but more as a eating plan for life.
Good Luck to you and I can't wait to read more successfull weight loss!
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| Posted by
^starshine
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May 25, 2007 11:26 AM
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| That is so awesome Ryan! I'm on the same mission as you and let me tell you...it's a bitch. BUT! It will be worth it in the end.
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| Posted by
That Chick Over There
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May 25, 2007 1:59 PM
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Ryan,
I fucking love you! You are the most awesome person I know and you are truly and inspiration to me! Did you know that I have always looked up to you? Well, I do, and now I am going to get my ass on to the eliptical machine!
Lisa
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| Posted by
BCMS Foundation
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May 26, 2007 12:15 PM
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| What a fantastic post! I was never a yo-yo weight type of person until the last few years. Everytime I get close to a point I'm comfortable with, I figure,'oh one more donut', until it's six months later and I've undone all of my hard work. Good luck on your quest, it sounds like you are doing fantastically (is that a word?) already!
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| Posted by
Natalie
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May 30, 2007 8:11 AM
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What kind of freak paints their living room orange?! Cute little baby! :P
Really, I am very proud of you. You can do it! Don't get discouraged.
If you do, let me know and I will come and knock on your door with my hideous red sweat pants! (Just ask Phylis) Love ya- C
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| Posted by
Claire
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June 01, 2007 7:30 AM
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