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| I am a girl named Ryan. |
| Yes, a girl. Always been one... Will ALWAYS be one. I am also a daughter, sister, wife, mother and graphic designer. I blog here to share the stories of how I can some how manage to be all of those titles & SOMEHOW stay sane. If thats what you call it. |
| If you need me for anything or have a question about something... please email me at ryanikon@gmailDOTcom. |
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| fastlane rudeness. |
| You know when your schedule is so busy you dont even have time to stop and think? And you cant even remember what day it is? But all you know is you have to be somewhere NOW and you have to go to the store NOW and you have to drop off something NOW and you have to GO NOW AND DO NOW AND BE NOW! And OMG! I am in the fastlane, been stuck here for 3 days and I dont think I'm getting out for a couple more days. |
| and rudeness. |
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They listen to every. single. word.
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Thursday, May 31, 2007
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This morning as I sat on my front porch, enjoying my morning guilty pleasure of coffee and a smoke, I watched a couple kids ride their bikes down the sidewalk. I could tell they were about 9-10 in age and brother-sister. They actually could have been twins... then again I think everyone is a "twin." (Drives my husband nuts... HEY I BET THEY ARE TWINS! I mean, gawwwd they have the SAME last name and everything.)
There wouldnt really been much to take interest in but the boy was trying to RIDE his bike while holding onto a SPEAKER. Not a little speaker either... like a floor to CEILING speaker. It really was quite amusing to watch.
Suddenly the boy stops to rest and the girl circles back around on her bike to see why in the hell he stopped.
Girl: Are you coming?
Boy: whining and screaming MY ARM FREAKING HURTS WHAT DO YOU THINK!
Girl: You should hold it on your handlebars.
Boy: straight screaming SHUT-UP! DO YOU WANT ME TO HIT YOU SO HARD IT KILLS YOU? CAUSE THAT WOULD HURT. DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO?
The first thing to pop into my head was "Bet that phrase has been screamed at that kid a time or two." Jesus.
Then I really started thinking about that exchange of hostilities and it really bothered me. I do understand that siblings can be extremely harsh to one another. (I should so insert an apology to my sister or something here.) But I was bothered more because I can pretty much guarantee that child has been told that before. Whether it had been a parent or another kid... damn. Kids can be so damn harsh. It was more the WAY he said it. So much anger.
No family is perfect. Mine, I know, is far from. But my wish... my goal... my life lesson has become being the BEST example of what a good human being is for my own daughter. Of course I want her to know it is human to be angry, to get angry and sometimes we fail to keep that anger under control. But I want to teach her how to get rid of that anger in a non-violent way. By not screaming and getting mad.
And definatly not by yelling at someone who is trying to help you. I know that I am rambling... I just want you to know that it is not a good idea to carry a speaker. And dont yell. And dont use the word HIT and KILL together in a sentence, forced from your mouth at someone. Jesus.
Cause everything we say as adults, kids listen to. And repeat. OMG the repeating. So far, for us the worst Bubba has repeated in public has been Damnit. And really? At 2 years old, no one knew what she was saying anyways and it sounded cute. Mr. Bubba and I shot each other the You-are-so-dead-for-teaching-her-that-look and quickly made up some word we wanted everyone to think she said.
Oh, Bubba... thats right DOGMAT... did you see a DOGMAT? Cool, huh?!
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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8:58 AM
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Tidbits of Me, Tuesday.
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Wednesday, May 30, 2007
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A good friend of mine sent me this little 40 Things List... and I thought it would be fitting for a Tidbits of Me, Tuesday. So here it goes... and hope you enjoy!
1. What is your occupation? Graphic Artist at a local newspaper. So, I design ads and other weird shit while dealing with tons of bullshit and cranky employees but I am always in on the latest town gossip.
2. What color are your socks right now? Socks?... socks dont look right with flip flops!
3. What are you listening to right now? The hum of my computer and the ......... of the morning. That's right, the quietness of the morning.
4. What was the last thing that you ate? I might have rewarded 8 weeks of awesome diet practice with some Pizza Hut... damn I didnt know this list would make me have to admit my little pizza loving affair last night...
5. Can you drive a stick shift? In the case of an emergency only. I hope.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Tickle me Pink.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My cuz. And OMG... you need to go over and wish her lots of good thoughts because she is about to buy a house. A home. Of her very own and how exciting is that?!
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yeah, shes all right. Really I am jealous of her cause she is SuperMom to 3 kids and about the POP! with her fourth. And when I say POP!... she is being induced NEXT WEEK! She has crazy energy and an awesome personality. Oh, and a really cool new backyard!
9. How old are you today? So... much... older... than... yesterday...
10. Favorite drink? Iced Chai Tea Latte or a Triple Venti Carmel Macchiato.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Curling. Cause lets face it... that shit is crazy!
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Nope. Never. Nada. Except this one time... if you call it "dyeing your hair."
13. Pets? Does a toddler count?
14. Favorite food? Pizza. Cause lets face it. Remember #4? If I was going to have a food affair... it would be with pizza. All the way.
15. What was the last movie you watched? Spiderman 3. Yeah, thats right, the hubbie and I actually had a date. And saw a movie... IN the theater! YAHOO!
17. What is your middle name? Leigh... the only part of my name that is "girlie."
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? I had this little airplane thing that came with people. And it was the coolest thing EVER. I put stickers all over it and flew that thing everywhere.
19. What is your favorite, fall or spring? I am all about fall. Thus the colors I chose for my new layout. And the season I got married in.
20. Hugs or kisses? Hugs! And the same is true if we are talking about chocolate.
21. Cherries or Blueberries? I would rather have a strawberry... but cherries are ok too.
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Really... this would equate to "Are you going to tag someone to do this?" And yes, I tag Heidi... again... cause she is such a good sport!
25. Living arrangements? Bubba lets my husband and I have some space in the house... not too much though. I have 3 dinosaurs and Spongebob starring at me at this very moment. And Spongebob is so excited I mentioned him in this post... you should see the smile on his face.
26. When was the last time you cried? I cant believe I am going admit this... Has anyone seen the movie Deja Vu? The one with Denzel Washington? I got a little teary somewhere in there at a good part. If you havent seen it, you need to. It is one hell of an awesome movie. And have some tissues on hand... just in case.
27. What is on the floor of your closet? I dont think we want to go there. We'll leave it at carpet.
28. Who is your best friend of all time? That would defiantly have to be Mandacakes. 100%. All the way. We have been through thick and thin together. To the depths of hell and back. And more.
29. What did you do last night? Gawd. Do we have to keep talking about the pizza affair I had?
30. Favorite smells? A fresh cut lawn. Right before it rains. And a clean Bubba right out of the bath.
31. What inspires you? Bubba. She inspires me to be a better person so I can teach her to be an even better person.
32. What are you afraid of? Balloon. Do I need to say more?
33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Cheese AND spicy. Oh, oh, oh and with some onion. And I like BBQ sauce instead of ketchup. And can I have a double. And some fries too. The curly ones.
34. Favorite dog breed? Hairless, potty trained and not mine.
35. Number of keys on your key ring? 8. And I have no idea what 2 of them go to.
36. How many years at your current job? 1½... feels like 20.
37. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday.
38. How many states have you lived in? Six. Wisconsin, Texas, South Carolina, Georgia, Michigan and Alabama.
39. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving.
40. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? Never driven a motorcycle... only rode on one and heavy machinery? Hmmm... riding lawnmower count?Labels: Tidbits of Me Tuesday.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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6:21 AM
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SURPRISE! And yes you are at the right place...
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Monday, May 28, 2007
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 Today is the one year anniversary of my blog. As well as the 150th post. YAHOO! And I hope by now you have noticed there is a little different look. EEEEEEEE! That would be because I kidnapped, tied and bound my husband to the duties of helping me learn about good coding practices, html, css and all the good stuff that goes into making a homemade template.
He was patient.
He was extremely patient.
He was so extremely patient with me and never ever once got mad when I spent 3 hours finding colors and then changed it all and changed it again.
So please, be honest, let me have it and tell me what you think! I have changed things up quite a bit and added some fun things. Well... I hope you find them fun. The biggest change... I mean other than everything... is the 3 column layout for your easy access enjoyability.
I also began to archive my rudenesses of the day and am still working on that a bit. I added a "Find of the Day" under cool rudeness cause... I always seem to find the WEIRDEST shit when I google something as innocent as "sneakers." So I thought I would share.
Have a slice of cake, look around and enjoy! And thank you so much for being my loyal Blogland friends. I love you all!
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| Posted by
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1:04 PM
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Weighing In.
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Thursday, May 24, 2007
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I looked for about 2 hours this morning trying to find a picture of myself that I felt comfortable enough to post here. The result? Hell the "F" no. I realized that I am the one TAKING the picture about 99.865% of the time because I dont like to be the one IN the picture.
Let me rephrase that.
I MAKE SURE I am not in the picture because... well... here goes nothing. I am fat. Heavier side of delicate is what I tricked myself into thinking. But lets lay out the facts. Let me for ONCE be honest about the truth. I am a big girl.
I refer to myself as the "Fat Girl" at work and no one has EVER stopped or corrected me. I dont expect people to. Cause the truth dont lie, baby. But I am so fucking tired of being Mrs. Fat Girl. I am so tired of hiding behind the humor of making fun of myself when all I want to do is cry about being overweight. And eat some cake. That didnt make me gain more weight.
I have the amazing ability to deny how I look. If I wear an outfit that makes me FEEL good... then I can fake myself into believing I LOOK good... thus somehow magically skinny. Yeah, my brain and eyes are going to have to start working together a little better. I basically severed the connection a long, long time ago when it came to my size.
When I was younger and in high school I never really had a problem with my weight. Of course, I thought I was a cow then... If I could only look the way I did then... Jesus... why cant I just be happy?
Well... what the fuck do I mean by happy?
I grew up in a very strict household. My father was in the military and my Mom... well she was an Officers Wife. Appearances. Appearances. That was what it was all about. So my parents ensured that we ate healthy and never, ever strayed. To this day I hate frozen chicken and frozen veggies. YUCK. ICK. Nasty.
Remember me talking about all the bike riding I did as a youngster? Yeah, we were a very athletic family. In the summers when I was 10-12 I would go with my Dad to work out with his soldiers in the morning. My Dad would be like "AND DONT LET A 12 YEAR OLD SHOW YOU UP SOLIDER!!" And I could back then. Later in high school my Mom and I worked out. every. single. morning. on top of me being active in sports.
When I moved out of my parents house in 1998 I went nuts. I was a size 10 and barely 140 pounds. And thought I was fat. But once I was on my own I "found" food. And I loved it. And OMG I still do.
By 2000 I had gained 80 pounds. Hardly noticed. Then slowly over the last couple of years I have gained a little here. And a little there. And OMG you can get fat HERE?! And on and on and on...
Denial. Denial. Denial.
But I am by no means here to try and blame my parents or anything for my weight gain. I know it was all me. All me and my I-will-never-look-like-THAT-denial.
Here goes nothing... On March 31st I weighted in at TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY TWO POUNDS. That is the largest I have been in my life. I weighted ONE pound less than that horrid number the day my daughter was born. OH MY FUCKING GOD RYAN.
When I heard the nurse scream that number across the room when the doctor asked while I was in the emergency room, for the FIRST TIME that number hit me. I am DOUBLE the weight I should be. OMG. No small wonder the MRI machine and I dont like each other!
Anyone seen The Incredibles when Bob "goes back undercover" and shoots through the tube to go and stop "the machine" as a test? And he gets stuck because he put on a couple extra pounds? And he is like WHAM, WHAM, WHAM and then finally gets sucked out? Yeah, that is EXACTLY what I was the thinking about the ENTIRE time I was in the MRI.
 My train of thought over the last couple of years has been this:
1. I ate good yesterday, so I defiantly can have this donut. Or candy bar.
2. My pants feel a little looser today... I think I'll super size my combo meal.
3. I am so angry... that ice cream would make me feel better.
4. I'll join the gym... and if I am working out, then I can slack a little and eat more sweets. I mean, I'm working out... thats enough.
5. My husband loves me for who I am. HE says that I look great JUST THE WAY I AM.
6. WHO THE HELL AM I TRYING TO PLEASE ANYWAYS?
7. Fuck all the skinny people... fat is the new thin!
This exact line of thinking is what got me to where I was on March 31st, ashamed and embarrassed YET AGAIN about my weight. My God did the nurse have to scream that out loud. What a bitch!
 When I went to Dallas in March, my friend took this picture while I visited her and her new son on March 16th. She actually emailed me the picture a couple days later and here is what went through my mind when I first saw it:
DAMN I AM HUUUGE! However, photos automatically add weight. The picture was taken at a weird angle. I was looking down... thus the 17 chins I can see. The NEWBORN child I am holding is a bad reference for size cause he is only 4 weeks old and so small.
God I amaze myself. Denial. Denial. Denial.
Whenever I have to have lab work done at the doctors office and I get the results back... I always ask, "Okay, so my lab work is all fine... but is it RYAN-IS-FAT-FINE or is it I-cant-even-tell-you-are-OBESE-fine?"
So now I have gotten to the point were... ENOUGH is ENOUGH. I am going to do something about it this time. I will live in denial no more. I will quit kidding myself when I walk past a mirror that "the lighting is bad" or "the angle makes me big." I am big. And I can change that. Cause why? Because I dont just want to... I need to. For me.
I want to know what it is like the put my bra on and not have to struggle for 3 minutes stuffing my boobs into a bra that I should have gotten a size bigger but was embarrassed to buy. I want to stand up and not pull and tug and pull on my clothing to "readjust." I want to wear shorts and be comfortable with how I look. I want to wear a tank top and not apologize to my husband about looking like a cow but I am hot.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
So unofficially April 1st I started a diet. Officially things really got kicked off on April 18th after my MRI experience. Mandacakes educated me on the ways of her Fitness Broo ha ha and I have stuck to it from day one. Not a single french fry from my daughters happy meal. Not a single soda. Not a piece of cake. Or a donut at work. Nothing bad. I am happy to say that I have dropped 24 pounds and am seeing fat leave the weirdest places.
Like the sides of my boobs. BONUS. My chin. TRIPLE BONUS. Slowly from my waist and I think my butt is on its way to being smaller. And I swear my toes look thinner. Freaking sweet!
My final goal is to lose 115 pounds. In one year. So 91 more pounds to go. I think I can do it. Nay...I know I can.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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8:05 AM
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That about sums it all up.
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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3:24 PM
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Sometimes there is just nothing better than...
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Monday, May 21, 2007
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Fresh linens on your bed.
A spotlessly, shiny, clean kitchen sink.
A vacuumed and washed car.
Having a new plant reach the 3 week mark. Alive.
Or the satisfaction your husband has knowing
his wife is really easy to please.
What accomplishments please you the most?
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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10:24 PM
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She has no idea how much I love her...
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Sunday, May 20, 2007
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...cause it was very, very difficult for me to take these pictures. I believe more than ONCE I have talked about my unique relationship with balloons. Loathe and hate are words that barely scratch the surface...
 My Mom's graduation party was this Sunday and once everyone went home, my Dad thought it would be a fabulous idea to bring in the balloons from the front yard and let Bubba play with them.
When I cringed and politely excused myself from the kitchen quickly, my Dad said... "Oh thats RIGHT, you dont like balloons."
You fucking think?
Then he made the realization that a couple hours prior I wasnt being a complete ass when he asked how the balloons in front looked and I said... "Like shit."
 As I stood in the other room and heard Bubba having so much fun... and when I mean FUN... you would have thought someone won the lottery. She was so thrilled about those stupid balloons that I ran in and took a couple pictures. And then ran out of there even faster.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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10:42 PM
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You are my Sunshine...
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Friday, May 18, 2007
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...my only Sunshine, You make me happppy when skies are gray.
Youll always know dear how much I love you... Please dont take my Sunshine away.
 So I know by now everyone should know that Mrs. Mandacakes and I are cousins. We go way back. Like, we have know each other since... well I know known her since Day 9 while she has known me, her whole entire life. Man those nine days were heaven.
 Our Moms found out they were pregnant on the same day and went to tell their Mom... on the same day. But until that moment neither knew the other was pregnant. Crazy huh? Mandacakes and I were due on the same day too. However, in the end... I was early and she was late. This fact is still true. For everything. (Kidding! Love you girl!)
 We use to always joke that we were switched somewhere way in the beginning because I have red hair, like her Mom and she has brown hair, like my Mom. The only reason I know for sure we werent... is the big huge birthmark my Mother and I share. Then again... who knows.
 Really I like to think of us as twins. We were inseparable as babies. We grew up together. When we left Wisconsin when I was 5 to move to Texas... they moved near us a couple months later. We have pretty much crisscrossed around the country together. There have been times that we went a month or two without talking but we can always pick up right were we left off. She can be mid sentence when we hang up and 2 weeks later we can start back... right were we left off.
 And when I mean "special bond" I apparently mean "SPECIAL."Hell, we have some family from Arkansas. And I really hope everyone knows I am kidding. Cause if you look really close, like I did in Photoshop... we arent even touching lips. So get off it. Matching Rainbow Bright outfits. Awhhh... we were so cute! (What happened?)
 Whenever we would get together we were always getting into trouble. Always. Giggling all through the night, tickling each other until we passed out from exhaustion. Every moment was awesome. We loved Will Riker from Star Trek together... we knocked over the Christmas tree when we were 3 together...
 I love you girl. Just Cuz. For everything and nothing. You are my Girl.
And I will never forgive you for cheating that day in Sorry. Or for having sex before me and not telling me for like moooonths.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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10:29 AM
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When Life Just Blows...
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Thursday, May 17, 2007
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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9:55 PM
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I am a magnet for the Crazies.
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Since my husband and I moved to Wisconsin we havent really ventured out and found many friends. With Bubba, we are consumed being parents... there has hardly been anytime for my husband and I to be together... much less being social with others.
I have been fortunate enough to have a local friend that I met through work. And thank GOD she is normal. We can meet up at the park as our kids run around like monkeys and talk. Well, really we bitch about our husbands... you know, the normal stuff. (But let me tell ya... she got one mother of an awesome backyard set up for Mother's Day and I think our days at the park are over. Cause it is all about her new backyard.)
Its somewhat unusual for me to have a "normal" friend. I am like a magnet for the crazies. They totally seek me out. For awhile there I had such a stretch of "weirdos" that I thought I was going to have to move far away to the middle of nowhere... where no one knew my name.
Oh wait, I did.
Before Mr. Bubba and I left Texas we were blessed with the Belly Molester. Thats right... B-E-L-L-Y M-O-L-E-S-T-E-R. She moved in across the street about the time that I found out I was pregnant with Bubba. One afternoon we happened to be in our respective driveways at just the right time, that we struck up a conversation. She had 2 young kids and the moment we started talking about babies... she thought we were attached at the hip.
Now I understand that when you see a pregnant woman your first reaction is belly rub! But usually only when said "belly" is sticking out over 4 feet and you know, OBVIOUS. When I told her I was about 3 months... she immediately started rubbing, grabbing and caressing my "nothing there to be seen" abdomen.
Uhm, hello... what the fuck do you think you are doing? I didnt say that I wanted to have sex with you right here. right now. in the driveway. How do I know you dont have a STD? GAWD.
When it comes to things like this. I have NO BALLS. NO SPINE. I never want to be rude. So I stood there being fondled and molested and finally the session ended. I was able to go home. And after curling up in the fetal position and sucking my thumb for 6 hours, I got over it. But every. single. time. I saw that woman for the next 5 months I had to stand there and be molested. And hear about her children. And her sucky husband. And this. And that. And OMG.
Then there was the lady that always wanted us to come over and look at her pet iguana. Yeah, iguana. As in gross. And she had to keep her house at like 90 degrees for her iguana... so I would sweat and bake while she droned on and on about how much she hated Texas and missed Oklahoma and of course, how much she LOVED her iguana.
I could probably go on for another dozen people but as I sit here and think of them all... I swear I am breaking out in hives.
There are times though, I find a friend... when the stars align just so... and I wish that we could be best friends and have sleepovers and talk about boys and french braid each others hair all night long.
When we went last weekend to Milwaukee for my Mom's graduation, we got to the hotel about midnight. And I was starrvvving. So Mr. Bubba went to the front desk and was asking about food and where to go and if they knew anything about where to get a low carb meal.
Suddenly I was being summoned with Bubba to the front desk and this woman was excited. And I dont just mean excited, yeah we share an interest. I mean EXCITED as in I am going to tell you everything you need to know and MORE about being on a low carb diet.
And I was in love.
This woman, Chris, had been on a low carb diet for a year and lost 100 pounds. She gave me tips and hints and encouragement. She opened up the kitchen at the hotel and fed me cottage cheese and hard boiled eggs while she gave me a list of things I could eat. Like beef jerky and pork rinds. All the mother effing pork rinds I could ever eat... cause they have no carbs.
She was the coolest person ever. And for the next 2 hours we talked about everything under the sun and she was awesome. The next night we were patiently waiting like puppies at the window when 11pm rolled around cause she was working that night too.
More cottage cheese and hard boiled eggs!
As we said our goodbyes and great to you meet yous, I gave her a hug and told her she should come back home with me. For a moment I thought she was going to say yes... but thats not how life works. Damnit. But you better believe that Chris's boss will be getting the best letter in the mail about her and her awesomeness.
And I'll probably be on her blog someday as the FREAK that talked about carbs non stop and shoved cottage cheese into her face for hours.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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8:41 AM
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Sold my Soul for an Angel.
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Monday, May 14, 2007
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This weekend we went on a "trip" to Milwaukee to be with my Mom as she braved the stage and graduated with her Doctorate. That right folks. My Mom is now a DOCTOR! And that would be Mrs. Doctor at that.
We have been planning this trip for 2 months but as we counted down those final two hours before we left... we were running around like mad, saying things like "I wish we had done THIS 2 weeks ago" and "Just forget it... as long as we have underwear and a toothbrush... THAT doesnt matter... we can just buy it when we get there."
Bubba did amazingly better than we could have hoped for. I guess when I made that pact and sold my soul, again, with the Devil that everything would go smoothly... he listened.
    
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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10:26 PM
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7 Things you are Dying to Know. I just know it.
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Thursday, May 10, 2007
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I have been tagged by Nailgirl24! The object of this meme is to name 7 facts about yourself that you want people to know about. Hmm... and I will try and think of things that you dont already know.
1. I hate, hate, hate contractions. And I am not talking about labor contractions. (Although I hated those too!) When I am writing I dont think that I should have to put in an ' when it comes to words like cant, dont, shouldnt, couldnt... or any of the other fifty million options our English language makes so difficult. I think we as a society should banish the ' and move on!
2. I sleep in the weirdest positions possible. That is something that I can 100% say that my daughter got from me. (And be very glad I didnt put up a picture of me... she is MUCH cuter.)
3. I have a crown on my front tooth. When I was in 5th grade I fell off the slide. Nay... I was horsing around and everyone was doing the put-your-feet-over-the-side-and-go-down-sideways-thing and I totally fell over the side, right at the end. I landed on my ass and my face landed SMACK! on my knee. There was instantly blood everywhere and I ran to the nurses office screaming the whole way. I was trying to explain what happened but I couldnt figure out why I couldnt talk right. I suddenly developed a lisp. No, I had knocked my tooth right out. But as the nurse was cleaning my bloody knee... she found the tooth. Gross huh?
4. I almost missed my high school graduation. I was on of those dedicated kids that loved working. (Barf.) I had taken the 515-1015am shift the morning of graduation. I went home to get ready and "Laid down for just a sec."
5. I fried a chunk of my hair OFF with my blow dryer a month ago. I had to cut bangs to fix the problem. I havent had bangs in about 8 years. I dont even know what to do with them so I just pin them up every. single. day. and then hairspray the shit out of them so they SIT! DOWN!
6. I have never had a cavity. And... dont tell my dentist... never floss.
7. Joined Facebook the other day and have no idea what I am doing. I think I "poked" everyone in the world yesterday on accident.
Labels: Another Meme
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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9:30 AM
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Extraordinary is more like it.
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Wednesday, May 09, 2007
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I got a letter in the mail saying... and I quote... "Your pap smear results are satisfactory."
SATISFACTORY?! You have got to be freaking kidding me. After the performance I pulled off? Satisfactory my effing ass. I deserved a gold medal. A prize package worth millions. And a place on the wall of SURVIVING THE WORST PAP SMEAR EVER. A place, right at the TOP.
SatisFACTORY... pffft... that should have read, "Your pap smear was EXTRAORDINARY! and your results are absolutely breathtaking!"
The day I went to see the doctor, everything started out so fabulous. I got up early. Enjoyed the news & weather. Spent serious time in Blogland. Topped off a pot of coffee. Ate my yogurt, fruit and bran.
Just like every morning should be!
I was ready to go EARLY so Bubba and I arrived 15 minutes BEFORE my appointment started. Are you hearing me? I was early. THAT never happens. As I was checking in the receptionist gave me a form to fill out. I politely told her that I was on my period so I wouldnt need to fill out the pap smear form... rather I needed to reschedule that part of my visit. No, she said, go ahead and fill it out.
Whatever.
When I was called back I was absolutely ecstatic to find out that I had lost 10 more pounds. HELL YEAH! Note to self: It MUST be the bran cereal I ate for breakfast. Must. buy. more. bran.
However, when she took my height? Holy mother of Christ. Are you serious? 5' 6". No, do it again. Five. foot. six. inches. Damnit. When I was in sixth grade I was the tallest girl in my class. In fact it stayed that way pretty much until high school. 5 foot SEVEN inches. By all sixth grade standards, I was a GIANT. A four-eyed, brace-faced GIANT.
Where in there did I lose all this height? My mother tells me that I have extremely flexible joints. My self tells me its cause I am on the heavier side of delicate. My doctor says it doesnt matter. BUT IT DOES! I am shrinking. I think everything started going for the equator when Bubba was born. Well, ha, and not JUST my height.
Right off the bat she hands me the gown and tells me to strip. And here is a towel you can put over your lap because the gown isnt long enough.
You THINK.
But Nurse, I am on my period. Can we just reschedule this?
Is your flow heavy?
Not really.
Ok. Here's your gown.
Damnit.
When the nurse leaves. I start to get undressed. IMMEDIATELY Bubba starts SCREAMING "MOMMA! PUT CLOTHES ON! RIGHT NOW! CLOTHES ON!"
The best I could do to sooth my daughters conception of when exactly IS the right time to be naked, was to put my shirt back on under the excuse-of-a-gown. Once I sat on the table and had my handy dandy "towel" in place, Bubba wanted to sit with me. No sooner than I struggle to remain covered while hoisting her onto my lap, nurse and doctor walk in. They are like, So you want to hold her then? Uhm, yeah sure, that is a wonderful idea. (Do you hear the sarcasm?)
I do the lay back thing and the scoot forward thing. Even the, no scoot EVEN FARTHER! thing. A little faaarther. THERE. So, I am completely in position with Bubba straddling my stomach. Seems great huh? Of course, the first thing the doctor wants to do is the breast exam. Hello, do you see the child 3 inches below my boobs? As he lifts my shirt Bubba is tugging on it and saying, "MOMMA'S SHIRT!" And he is like, "It's okay."
Once he starts feeling around, Bubba is giving me the weirdest look of "This just isnt right Momma, what in the hell is going on? Does Daddy know about this?"
The moment the doctor said All good, Bubba YANKS my shirt away and pulls it down. Shirt ON Momma.
Thanks.
When I placed my feet in the stirrups Bubba leaned way down into my face and I was trying to distract her from what was going on. Talking about going to see grandma when we were done. Anything. But as the nurse and doctor are talking Bubba was too distracted by what was getting so much attention. I kept trying to get her to lay back down on me, when all of a sudden she gets right in my face with her hands clamped around her mouth and whispers ever so seriously...
Wait for it. Waaaaait foooor iiiiit.
Child. If you had ANY idea what was going on...
The next 30 seconds dragged on FOREVER and I was very glad when the doctor told me I could sit up. Wait. Sit up. Holy crap. I have a child straddling me. Ok. 1. 2. 3. CURL UP!
At that exact moment as I was CURLING UP! I landed my curled ass right on the foot board of the table. And once the table realized this... it began to tilt. Tilting me.
Right.
to.
the.
floor.
Yeah, you got it. The mother beeping table is IN THE MOTHER OH MY GOD AIR!! So I dont know what to do and I am freaking out but I cant get my mouth to say HELP! and I gently put Bubba down and try to lower the table with my ASS as carefully as I can. Completely freaked out by the way. Completely.
At the exact moment the nurse and doctor turn around to see my HORRID expression as the TABLE WAAAA BAAAAAAAAAAANGS! itself to the floor.
The nurse. ran. out. of. the. room.
The doctor turned 107 shades of BRIGHT RED and quickly looked away asking me "Is there anything else you had questions about?"
Nope. I am all good.
And then, he himself ran from the room.
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| Posted by
and rudeness
at
8:24 AM
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The TrueBlue Way
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Thursday, May 03, 2007
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I was asked by a very nice gentleman with TrueBlue to sample their product. Hmmm, you want to send me some FREE stuff?
Well, sign me up!
And when Mr. Nice Gentleman said that he would be sending me a "sample"... yeah he meant a case. An entire case. Now THAT'S a "sample!"
 So as I waited for this magical blueberry juice to come in the mail, I did some research on the topic. I knew blueberries were good for the body... but once I really looked into things... I wanted to go to the store RIGHT THEN and go on a blueberry diet for the rest of my life.
Here's some of the cool stuff I found:
Blueberries May Improve Memory, Coordination, and Balance
Preliminary research suggests that blueberries protect against the effects of age-related deterioration of the brain, such as short-term memory loss. This is due to the antioxidant actions of flavonoids found in blueberries. They may protect against, and even reverse, some age-related memory loss by preventing degenerative free radical damage and improving blood flow, resulting in a healthier brain.
Sweet huh? All I heard when I read this was "free radical damage" cause I am glad this will repair the ONE time (wink wink) I EVER put anything radical in my body. Dont tell my Mom. Oh yeah and it will improve my short-term memory loss.
Blueberries and Anti-Aging
...To look 10 years younger in 10 days, he recommends following a diet that includes blueberries...
Ladies, does anything else have to be said about this product? Go get some!
 When I handed everyone at work a bottle of this, I got a couple sideways looks. No one wanted to type me a 800 word essay on their thoughts... bastards... but I didnt get ONE negative comment back on this juice. Not a one.
When I brought this home and gave some to Bubba... Holy cow she loved it. NEW! JUICE! GOOD! MOMMA! MORE?! So until it was gone, it was the "new juice!"
Seriously, you should try it. It is yummy. A little sweet but I just added some water to thin it out. And make it last longer.
Here's a coupon. ENJOY!
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| Posted by
and rudeness
at
12:36 PM
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Taking the initiative.
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Wednesday, May 02, 2007
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I was out in Blogland this morning and somewhere deep within I found a meme. Surprised? Those things are everywhere. But I loved it. So I have modified it and yes, MADE IT SHORTER and thought it would be a great idea to start a meme. Cause I always see them, get tagged for one or happen upon a great one in progress... but I have never started one.
(I would give credit back to whom I found it from but it was well into her archives... and I dont want to be viewed as a stalker.)
Without further ado...
10 YEARS AGO I
1. Was totally obsessing about becoming a Senior in high school.
2. Skipping a lot of class and hanging with my friends.
3. Working at Hardee's and thinking I looked good in the uniform.
4. On the basketball team.
5. Having sex... shhhh... dont tell my Mom.
5 YEARS AGO I
1. Was missing the "Good ole' Days."
2. Working at Dell Computers AND Starbucks.
3. In college for graphic design.
4. Student Government President.
5. Wished I was having sex.
2 YEARS AGO I
1. Was taking care of a very little Bubba.
2. Breastfeeding. (...Bubba. I thought I should clarify.)
3. Working at Target and loving the discount.
4. Trying to lose my baby weight.
5. Wishing I had never learned what sex was.
1 YEAR AGO I
1. Felt like I FINALLY got started on my "career."
2. Started this blog.
3. Really and truly started connecting with my sister.
4. Realized that I really hate snow. And winter. And arctic blasts.
5. Wished I could have more sex.
YESTERDAY I
1. Took a bike ride to the store with Bubba.
2. Told a joke at work that no one got.
3. Thought it would be cool to be bald if I didnt have to deal with all this hair.
4. Realized that celery without peanut butter tastes like shit.
5. Did not have any sex.
TODAY I
1. Took a leap of faith and started a meme.
2. Stuck to my diet, even when there were french fries in the house.
3. Had my parents over and actually enjoyed their company.
4. Crawled around on all fours and meowed like a cat to make Bubba laugh.
5. Tried and failed to get "some."
TOMORROW I WILL
1. Do the laundry that I piled high in the corner.
2. Put some new batteries in my digital camera and take some pics.
3. Take a bike ride with Bubba to the park.
4. Buy some rope, duck tape and whip cream.
5. Try a little harder to have sex.
See that wasnt so bad.
So lets see how Mandacakes and Heidi do on theirs!! Tag your it... love you girls!Labels: Another Meme
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| Posted by
and rudeness
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9:50 PM
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